Reclaiming Life
by CaptainK8
Summary: After a traumatic experience, Sara enters a deep depression and reverts to some of the destructive behaviors from her past. Each new day seems to bring more heartache. Can Sofia save her?
1. True Love v Used Love

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters and intend no insult or misuse. This story contains material of a sexual nature, which, while not overly graphic, may be disturbing to some audiences. I would also like to mention that I realize that I have pushed the boundries of taking liberties with a certain character's personality and I do not feel that is at all the way the character is portrayed on the show. Lastly, this story does contain FF slash.

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Sara POV

Wednesday

She's finally back. I've waited all night for her to come back to the lab so we could talk. I've planned exactly what I want, no, need, to say to her, but now that I have the opportunity, I can't. I don't know how to say it. These past few months have been amazing. We both knew that this day would come soon, but I never thought that I would feel this way when it did. But here I am.

I discarded the case file that I'd been working on because I'm obviously not paying any attention to it and headed over to the coffee. I'm so engrossed with my thoughts and my coffee that I don't hear another person enter the break room.

"Hey there" The speaker startles me with her rather suggestive tone and I jump, spilling my fresh mug of coffee all over myself in the process.

"Damn it!" I shout, part jokingly, part embarrassed, while turning to face her. She begins to laugh in that way she does that I find so irresistible. I look down at myself and begin to laugh as well. "Sneaking up on me again Sofia?" I ask. I look back at her and see the amazing smile I fell in love with. I didn't mean for it to happen. When Grissom left to go on sabbatical, I found myself more lost than I had been for quite a long time. I always thought that was content to be solitary, but once I had felt what it was like to have someone in my life, living without him seemed impossible. That's when the most unlikely thing happened. We'd had so many fights over the years. We hated each other. But that day, as I sat alone at the table in this very room, she walked in. I was a mess. Sofia was there to support me that day, and we began to talk. As the night wore on, we became more relaxed and I began to share things about myself that I had never shared with anyone else. I began to cry. That's when it happened. She put her arm around my shoulders and I felt something that can only be described as an electric shock. I had never felt that with anyone before. I was scared, but also intrigued. In the following weeks we became more than just colleagues, more than friends, we became close lovers. But that was all about to change… Grissom is coming home.

The wet sensation of the coffee saturating my t-shirt brought me back to the moment. I brought my eyes back to Sofia's face and her bright smile was now mixed with a look of mischief. She quickly grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the door. "I have a spare shirt in my locker that you could use. It's only fair seeing as you would never have spilled the coffee if I hadn't walked in".

"Never apologize for walking in on me" was all I could get out before we were in the hallway and well within earshot of the rest of the staff.

The instant the locker room door closes she pulls off my soaked shirt without bothering to check to see if we were alone. At this point, I don't think either of us cares. As I stand half naked in the middle of the room, our lips meet as we embrace and just as with every time before this, I am swept away. Nobody has ever made me feel this way, not even Grissom. She has the ability to create the perfect balance between being gentle and aggressive in everything she does. I want to be with her forever. I want to stand here with her and love her and be in her company for the rest of my life.

Suddenly I panic and pull back. "What's wrong sweetie?" There was no accusation in her tone, only concern.

"Sofia, I need to talk to you". On the way to the bench to sit down she pulls a light blue button down shirt out of her locker and hands it to me. "I got an e-mail from Grissom yesterday saying he'd be back tomorrow. We can't do this. I love you more than anyone I have ever loved in my life, but I can't do this. I know it is probably impossible after having what we have and what I'm doing to you right now, but I truly want to keep our friendship. Despite what I portray on the outside, I need a friend like you in my life that I can talk to and spend time with. I wish we could do more, but I can't. I'm sorry". I turn away from her and quickly put on the clean shirt as I walk out of the room without looking back. I don't want her to see the pain in my eyes. I know without even seeing her that that same pain would be written across her features as well.

Thursday

Right now I'm filled with dread. Shouldn't I be excited and happy? Hell, my boyfriend is coming home after being away for three months! What is wrong with me? Must be nerves. I AM excited to see him. Good Sara, just keep telling yourself that. Good. Open the door. Walk down the corridor. You can do it. Maybe I should have gone in the back door, that way I wouldn't have to pass his office on my way through. Too late for that now though. What's that they say? Hindsight is always 20/20? Maybe I should have changed before coming back in. I'd just been at a garbage dump, after all. What a way to greet your boyfriend you haven't seen in months. Very presentable. Very me.

"Sara!" I turn when I hear Grissom's voice and can't help but wear one of those huge silly grins. Now I KNOW I'm happy truly to see him. He approaches me also smiling. He starts to talk about the cocoon he sent me. I can't wait to see what comes out of it. It feels awkward to greet him in the corridor like this. All either of us want to do is embrace each other and make up for the months of separation, but we can't right now. Sofia is the only person in the lab who knows about our relationship, and I haven't even told Gil that she knows. As we talk I slowly back away down the corridor. I'm sure he notices. "I'll see you tonight?" he asks me.

I can feel my silly smile again plastered onto my face. "Yeah, see you then" was all I could muster as a reply before I quickly walked away to clean up.

At the end of shift I stop in at his office. The three foot high pile of paperwork and mail has decreased significantly although I know he's been trying to avoid it all day. "Hey, ah, ya wanna go out for breakfast or something?" I ask.

"I'd love to. I'll meet you outside in ten minutes". We head out separately to try to keep our secret a secret. Waiting here is making time feel like it is passing much too slowly. Precisely ten minutes later I see the doors open and I again begin to feel that silly smile creep onto my face. Quickly I do my best to turn it into one slightly less embarrassing, but I'm sure he sees through it. Wow. His eyes really do sparkle.

We both drive our own cars over to the diner. After we've ordered, we finally begin to talk. I fill him in on all of the lab gossip from the past months and he tells me all about the class he taught. I can barely focus on what he is saying or my creamy bowl of macaroni and cheese though as most of my brain is focused on thinking how wonderful it is to have him home again.

Before I know it, we've finished eating. I'm not ready to say goodbye for the day just yet though, and I know he feels the same. "Sara, would you like to come back to my apartment and spend some time relaxing alone?"

"I'd love that". Why can't I come up with something intelligent to say around him today? Why does it have to be monosyllabic words? I feel like such an idiot right now. He holds my hand as we walk back out the doors of the diner to our cars and head back to his house.

The short drive seemed to stretch for an eternity. After being away from him for so long I would think that I could handle a simple drive but knowing he is just ahead of me gets me excited.

When we get there, we head straight in and without saying a word we both know that neither of us has any intention of simply relaxing. As soon as the door closes he pulls me near to him and lowers his lips to mine. How I've missed him. The kiss feels so good, but for some reason I feel like there is something wrong. I quickly dismiss my unease by rationalizing that it's simply due to excitement. As we go further, the unease continues to grow and I'm not sure what to do with it. We move to the bedroom but now my mind and my whole body are screaming that I can't do this right now. Why? I have no answer for that.

"Gil, stop. I'm sorry. I'm not ready for this right now. It's been too long. I'm not comfortable". I wonder if I said those words aloud or not. Maybe he didn't hear me. He keeps advancing.

"But I've missed you and your touch so much Sara". I know he heard me.

What is he doing? He's never done this to me before. I can feel the panic level inside me rise. "Stop. Stop! You're hurting me!" I can't think clearly anymore. All I know is that I have to get out of here. I can't get out from under his strong arms. I'm trapped. I close my eyes and try to switch my focus. This is not happening right now. He would never do this. My thoughts are getting more tangled by the second. My mind begins to dissociate. All I can hear is a song that I can never remember the name of. I sing it over and over inside. I can vaguely feel the sexual acts the is performing. I can feel his breath on my neck and his hands on my body. I can feel him entering me despite my objections. I can feel all of these things but they are not happening to me, they are happening to someone else. I barely notice that he is finished. "I love you so much Sara. I want you forever". I hear the words, but I don't' comprehend their meaning. Every cell in my body is screaming to get out but I can't move. Finally he releases his lips from my body and moves a few inches away. Suddenly the reality of the situation hits me like a wall.

I grab my clothes and get dressed as quickly as possible. I try to put together a coherent excuse as to why I need to leave so quickly. I mumble something about having to finish a report before I come in tonight. I just know that I have to get out now. Within two minutes I'm dressed enough to go outside to my car. Whatever fate had decided that we would drive separately needed much thanks, but I don't have energy for that now.

I sit alone in my car crying. This man that I have trusted for years and loved has violated me in the worst possible way. I'm still not thinking clearly. With my body on auto pilot, I begin to drive. I don't care about my direction, as long as it is away from here and away from the prying eyes of the lab.

To be continued...


	2. Broken and Confused

Disclaimer: Same as before. I don't own any of these characters or content from CSI etc. Content may be disturbing to some people.

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Sofia POV

"Jim, here's my request for transfer back to Boulder City". He looks up from the paper he was reading and stares at me. "I need to leave as soon as possible".

"Wow, Sofia, can I ask what brought this on? I had no idea you were unhappy here". Captain Brass looked over my paperwork carefully.

"I'm having a personal problem here and that is making it difficult to be around the lab and at crime scenes with some of the CSI's".

"There's not much I can do to make you stay, but do me a favor, would you? I'll keep this, but think about this for a day or two and then get back to me. I want you to be sure this is what you want". I know this is what I want but a few days won't make a difference I guess.

I can't remember ever feeling this depressed over breaking up with someone. I even knew that our relationship couldn't last forever. I saw Sara and Grissom in the corridor today. I'm sure they thought they were alone. I saw the sparkle in her eyes. That was the sparkle that used to be there for me. I'm not angry at her. 'You started this, Sofia, and now you have to pay the consequences' I think to myself.

As I drive home I remember that I need a few things from the store so I make a stop. As I walk the isles of the grocery store I absently thrown in a big bag of Swedish Fish along with my usual items. Then I stop for some beer and head on home.

I manage to make it up the stairs outside of my condo without dropping my bags, but as soon as I reach to pull out my keys everything falls. "Shit. C'mon Sofia, just do something right today". I inspected the bags and luckily nothing broke, but the bag of candy fell out. The candy that I always bought for Sara when I went shopping I thought. I don't even like them. I'll just give them to Catherine tomorrow and tell her to pass them on to Sara for me. After I finally get the door unlocked I scoop up my dropped bags and bring them to the kitchen. My cat, Trina, is sitting at her usual spot on the counter top and the sight of her makes me smile. She's someone I can always count on to be there for me no matter what.

The ring of my doorbell combined with several thuds on the door itself startled me out of my thinking. I'm not expecting anyone. Back into cop mode, I put my hand on my gun and go to the door. What I saw when I opened it put me in shock.

"Oh my God" was all I could get out. Lying on the ground in a fetal position on my doormat was Sara. She looked horrible. Her hair and her clothes were in disarray. After I spoke she slowly lifted her face to look at me. Instead of the brightness her eyes held earlier in the day I saw pain and torture. They were red and swollen and she had obviously been very upset and crying. Five minutes ago I never wanted to see this woman again in my life as I knew it would be too painful, but seeing her in this state threw made my feelings seem so insignificant. She's obviously here because she needs a friend. She's chosen to come to me, and I have to step up to it.

"What happened?" I ask. Goodness, Sofia, don't make her sit there. "Here, come in". I reached down to try to help her up and she practically turned into a wild animal.

"Don't touch me!" she shouted and backed away.

"OK, I won't. Can you make it inside?" She nods yes, so I back out of the doorway and give her some room to come through. When she stands up I almost cry myself. She gingerly walks across the threshold. 'She must be in an immense amount of pain' I thought to myself. I motion for her to sit down on the sofa but she makes her way instead to the wall and slides down it to sit on the floor. I've never seen her like this. She had told me of her depressions but I had never seen this darkness.

I walk over to her, making sure I stay a few feet away and sit across from her on the floor. "Do you want to talk about it?" I don't know what "it" is, but obviously it is something huge. She shakes her head no, but I decide to try again. "Did you and Grissom have a fight?" At this she just stares at me blankly. Just then Trina comes over to greet Sara. I try to grab the cat before she reaches her, but not being able to take my eyes off of Sara, I miss and Trina is snuggling up against her. Sara moves her hand to pet Trina's head and that small gesture brings me comfort. "Can I get you something to eat? Do you want a drink?" Again, all I get is a blank stare as she strokes Trina's back. I'm not sure what to do. "I'll be right back. Trina will keep you company" I say to her. Again, all I get is a nod.

I make my way into the kitchen. "Fuck!" I scream as I kick the wall. I don't even feel the sting in my foot. "What the hell did you do to her?" I shout to nobody. This is the woman that I love, the woman who put meaning back into my life. The woman I let go at the expense of my happiness so that she could have hers. I would do it again in a heartbeat, and I would do anything to take away her pain right now.

After collecting myself I head back into the living room. Sara is sitting in exactly the same place she was when I left. I'd be surprised if she has even blinked. "Are you hurt?" I ask her. All I get is that now familiar nod. "Do you want to go to the hospital?" This time she shakes her head no. "You're going to stay here with me today". I decided there wasn't anything else I could right now. "Come to the bedroom. You can sleep there. I'll sleep out here on the sofa". Until yesterday we shared the bed but I knew that she would rather be alone tonight. "Come on". I smile to her and gesture. Just as I turn around she latches on to my hand like a vice.

"I still have some of your stuff here" I offer. I go to the dresser to pull out a set of pajamas but she refuses to let go of my hand.

"I feel dirty". It was the first sentence I've heard her say tonight. It surprised me a little, but I quickly snapped into action.

"I'll start the water for you in the shower. You can sit here for a few minutes while I get stuff ready". I turn towards the bathroom but rather than letting go of my hand and sitting down, she stays latched to me and follows me into the bathroom. When the shower is ready I say, "Here. The water's just the way you like it. I'll give you some privacy and go get you a towel". Sara reluctantly lets go of my hand and looks at me. The pain is still clearly visible in her eyes, but I also see a hint of something else. Security. "If you need anything, I'll just be in the other room" I tell her before walking out.

My whole being wants to go back in and jump into the shower with her. I think back to the time we were in there together with the rubber duck and the… 'Damn, Sofia, stop it. This isn't the time for this'. I brush the thoughts away and head to the closet and I pull out a fluffy green towel. I then discreetly slip the towel as well as her pajamas into the bathroom while she showers and head over to the phone.

"Willows".

"Cath? It's Sofia".

"Sofia? Um, hi?" We've never been great friends, so I'm sure she is wondering why I'm calling. I don't waste time with pleasantries.

"Hi. Look, Sara's sick and I don't think she should come in tonight. I'm taking care of her here. She won't tell me what's wrong, but I'm hoping she'll be better after a good sleep. Actually, can you tell Brass that I'll be out tonight as well?"

"OK, no problem. Thanks for the head's up. Tell her I hope she feels better".

"Sure, I will. Thanks Cath".

After hanging up I look over at the bags of groceries. I put them away and then take the bag of Swedish Fish and dump them into a bowl for Sara. I hear the shower shut off so I go back into the bedroom and put the bowl down on the night table. A few minutes later Sara comes out. "Feel better?" I ask.

"No" she states is a flat tone as she walks towards me. Again she latches onto my hand.

"Sara, why don't you get some sleep? You'll feel better later".

"OK". She lies down on the bed and I try to pull away to leave her to rest but she stops me. "Don't leave me alone, please" she asks with such fear that I've never seen her display. I am unsure if I can stand being with her in the bed, but if that is what she needs, I will be there for her. I lay down on the bed as far to the edge as I can but keep within her hand's reach. I realize that I'm still wearing my work clothes, but that doesn't matter right now. Within minutes I hear her fall asleep.

My anxiety is so high that I can't bring myself to fall asleep. I keep wondering what happened to cause her so much pain. All of the possibilities were playing through my head, each one more disturbing than the last. I'm not sure how much time passed but suddenly I'm brought back to reality when Sara lets out a shrill scream. "Stop! You're hurting me! I can't do this!" She's in hysterics right now, but I can tell that she is not fully coherent.

"Sara, wake up. It's Sofia. You are safe" I try to shout above her. She wakes up trembling. I fight the urge to run my hands through her hair or brush my fingers over her cheek to try to calm her down. That would probably make things worse. I can hear her heavy breathing mixed with slight whimpering. "Hey, you're safe here. Nobody can hurt you here. I promise". I can feel her calming down.

"Thank you" she says groggily. We lay back down and I hear her drift off to sleep again. This time I manage to fall into a light, fitful sleep of my own. We stayed there for the rest of the day. Sara, letting her subconscious work through a traumatic event with her hand grasped around mine, and me, laying on the other side of the bed trying to be the kind of friend she needs right now.

To be continued...


	3. I Spy Your Pain

Disclaimer: Same as before. The only character I own is Trina.

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Sofia POV 

It's late afternoon when I'm woken up by something. "Not now Trina, I'm sleeping" I say groggily, believing in my half sleep that it was my can who woke me, but then I hear noises coming from the bathroom and the events of the day come flooding back to the front of my memory. I make my way to the bathroom and find that the door is shut. "Sara? Are you ok?" I ask.

"Ah, yeah, I'm fine Sofia" I hear through the door. The noises stop but I begin to hear other sounds of clothing rustling and cabinets shutting. What was she doing in there I wonder. "Um, what time is it?" she asks.

"It's after seven, but you aren't going to work tonight. Neither am I. I'm staying here with you". I keep listening through the door to try to figure out what she is doing.

"Good, I don't think I can make it in tonight. I'm not feeling well". I figured as much given how upset she had been earlier. Slowly the door cracks open and I see Sara standing in the doorway. She has an air of calmness around her now and I'm pleased. I'm relieved that she is dealing with whatever happened this morning even if she won't talk about it with me.

I flash her a warm smile that I hope conveys my feelings. Sara knows me well enough now that I'm sure she can see it. To my surprise, she reciprocates with a half smile of her own. Better than nothing, I think to myself. "Do you want something to eat or some coffee or something?" I offer.

"Sure, that would be nice. I'll be right there".

I head off to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee brewing and see what I have to offer for dinner. I find the ingredients for an omelet and begin to cook. A few minutes later I hear Sara walk in and sit down on the couch through the archway. "Mmm. I need coffee right now so badly". I keep thinking how wonderful it is to see her acting like herself again and smile broadly.

"I'm making you an omelet with that soy sausage stuff you like in it".

"You still have that stuff?" she asks.

I turn slightly red with embarrassment as I turn to her dumping the eggy mess onto a plate. "Well, I found I really did like it…"

"But you always made such fun of that stuff!" she laughs and throws her arms up into the air in exasperation. It's then that I notice something about her and some of the pieces begin to fit together. What she had been doing this evening in the bathroom. Why she seems calmer. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my body as I look at her and see the deep lines she has cut into her arms. I'm sure the blood has completely drained from my face. I must've been staring because all of a sudden she pulls her sleeves down over her hands to hide what I had seen, as if trying to convince me that I had never actually seen it. But she knows that I know that I did.

"Sara…" I try but I can't bring myself to say anything yet.

"Sofia, I'm fine. It's nothing, really".

I manage to pull myself together enough to speak. "Sara, that is NOT nothing!" She had told me of her past. She had told me once about her cutting and her drinking and her drug use. She had told me about her childhood. After hearing what she had lived through at such a young age I came to respect her even more than I had before. But when she had told me all of those things, she also swore that she was through with them and that she didn't need them in her life anymore because she had other ways of dealing with pain. She had me, and as much as it killed me inside to hear her say it, she also had Grissom. Without even thinking I begin to raise my voice at her. "You told me you were past this. You promised me you would never hurt yourself again. Do you understand how much it hurts me to see you do this to yourself? You are here in my house, I'm doing everything I can think of to help you, but you turn to THIS? This, this, cutting again? How could you, Sara?" I can feel the tears start to flow from my eyes.

I look at her face and see the smile from just a moment ago replaced again by the pain from this morning. Immediately I feel guilty. I should never have blown up like that. This is not about me. I need to put my own feeling aside to help her. Right now she is coping the only way she feels that she can. Whatever happened before she came to me for help obviously put her in a place where she felt as vulnerable as she had as teen.

"I'm sorry. I know you were doing the only thing you knew that could take away your pain. We can find another way. I promise I'll help you through this". I make my way to the table and sit down next to her. She surprises me as she leans into me and starts to cry. Hesitatingly at first, I hold her in my arms like one might a child, not sure how she will react to contact. She certainly wasn't comfortable with it earlier this morning. Feeling my presence, she leans deeper and I hold on tighter as she starts to cry onto me.

"Sofia, I can't do this. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel dead inside". I can barely make out the words through the tears and the sniffles, but I can feel her plea.

"We'll get through this, Sara. I won't leave you. I promise. We will find a way". I lose track of how long we are sitting there like that. Eventually she sits back up and turns on the television to find something to watch, and I go to the kitchen to get us our dinner which has now gone cold. The food doesn't matter, I think to myself. What matters is that I feel an inkling of hope that Sara is finding a way to open up and get her feelings out instead of turning them into self inflicted pain. In the back of my mind, though, I worry that this is just the tip of a much larger problem, one that I can't help her fix.


	4. Sara's Secrets

Disclaimer: The only character I own is Trina the cat...

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Sara POV

What the hell was I thinking? I need to be more careful. How could I have just thrown my arms up in the air like that? What have I started? Calm down Sara. Get yourself under control. Sofia is worried about you. All in all, she should be. If it were anyone else doing what I do, I'd be worried as well. But it's not what it seems like. I'm not trying to kill myself. I just need to feel a release. It's nothing serious.

It's just, well, sometimes I just can't help it. When I'm frustrated or upset, it's like I'm possessed by someone else. I just can't control my impulse. I feel such a desperate need to cut. I need to feel the blade go across my skin. I need to see the lines it leaves. Some days all I want to do is leave shallow cuts and lots of them. My aim is not to draw blood but to just feel the smooth contact of the metal on my flesh. Other days I need to see the blood pour out of my skin. Shorter, deeper, cuts, less of them, but I need to see the blood. That is how I can assure myself that I am still alive. Some days I need the confirmation of the pain, other days I need to see the blood flow from my skin.

Last night Sofia locked her razor and the kitchen knives in her gun box while I was watching reruns of Star Trek Voyager on TV. I know she did this for my safety but it makes me more frustrated. I know she cares and I know that she is scared for me, but really, there is nothing for her to be worrying about. I'm fine.

"Sara, will you be ok if I go into work tonight? I don't want to go if you don't want me to. It's up to you". I'm broken out of my deep thoughts as Sofia moves over to my side of the bed to speak to me. I hadn't even realized she was awake already. I am still finding it difficult to be alone in the room during the day so Sofia was again kind enough to stay with me, although I could still feel her hesitation, as well as see it when she tried to keep herself as far to the other side as possible. Again, I know she is doing this for my benefit, but I really wouldn't mind if she made herself comfortable. I feel safe when she is around.

"Sure, I'll be fine. You should go in". I try my best to sound encouraging but not pushy. I'll finally be able to have a whole shift alone to myself at home. I need to be alone. "I'll be here when you get back, don't worry". Right then I feel like a complete contradiction. I can't stand to be alone during the days when we are supposed to be sleeping yet during the night when we should be working I can't stand to have anyone around. I begin to feel like I'm in one of those exhibits in the zoo with people staring and pointing at me while watching me do my daily activities. But during the day, I get such anxiety while being alone. I can't even figure it out myself. Perhaps it is the way the light from the sun seems to shine on the truths in life. At least at night, everything is in shadow and it can all be denied like it's not even there.

"If you're sure, Sara. I will have my phone on me the entire night and I want you to call me at any time for any reason, no matter how small or stupid it might feel at the time, do you understand? Don't worry about your shifts. I called Catherine last night while you were watching TV and explained that you were not feeling well and she told me to tell you that you have so much vacation time that you can take as much time as you want to and your job is ready for you whenever you are ready to come back."

I nod my head in appreciation. I watch her smile as she gets out of the bed and heads to the shower. The soothing sound of the rush of water coming from the other room is causing me to become drowsy. Sleeping in seems like a comforting idea right now. I drift off easily.

"No! Gil, stop it! What don't you understand? I don't want this with you. Don't touch me. NO!" The sound of my own screaming must have woken me up. Another nightmare. I sit up and I am drenched in my own sweat. Trina is sleeping on the other side of the bed. She's not a substitute for the comfort of Sofia, but that isn't a reason to be rude to her. I give her a soft stroke as I glance at the clock. 2AM. I've been asleep for another few hours already to my surprise. Still shaking, I grab the phone and dial the familiar number.

"Curtis"

"Sofia?"

"Sara? Are you ok? You sound terrible". I can hear the sounds of the lab in the background but also the concern in her voice. I debate whether or not to bother her with this right now. "What's wrong, sweetie?" She knows that something is wrong and I know that I can't brush it off. Did she just call me sweetie? She hasn't done that since the day before… Just the thought of the other day makes me shiver.

"I… I, um, I had another nightmare after you left. I just needed to hear your voice. I'm sorry I bothered you… I'll let you go now."

"Wait. Sara, I can leave right now and be home in fifteen minutes."

"No!" I cut her off. "Don't do that. I'm ok. Really. As I said, I just needed to hear your voice. I need run a few errands anyway. I'll be here when you get back". I did want to pick up some groceries for her. I also needed to get myself some of my own clothes to wear since all of my other clothing is still at Grissom's house, but that will have to wait until daytime when the clothing shops are open. Huh, Grissom's house? Until just the other day it was OUR house. I could never think of that place as home again. Realizing that Sofia was still on the other end of the conversation I continue, "I'll see you in a few hours. I hope the rest of your shift goes smoothly".

"If you're sure then… Ok, I'll see you later. But still call if you need anything at all I'll come right back. Tonight has been slow."

"Sure. Bye Sofia"

"Bye"

After hanging up I head into the bathroom to shower and add my own toiletries to my mental shopping list. I pull some sweats out of Sofia's dresser and put them on. The top fits ok, but the pants are a bit short. Whatever, I think. It's not like I'm trying to impress anyone.

I head to the door and find the keys to my car sitting in a dish on the table next to the doorway. I keep going over my list to buy on my way to the store. It's amazing how there always seems to be someplace open all night these days. Of course, this is Vegas.

I walk through the store and pick up some food for Sofia's frig as well as a toothbrush, hairbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, and a few other personal items for myself. As I pass through the isles I can no longer resist the urge to get my hands on something sharp. I go back and get a package of razor blades. I also grab a pack of beer before heading up to pay for all of it. I know Sofia has some, but I don't want to drink hers. I know she'll worry even more if she saw me drinking. I can hide this in my car and just come out and get some when I want it when she isn't home. After paying, I head on home where I unpack the groceries and hide my blades.

* * *

Sofia POV

"If you're sure then… Ok, I'll see you later. But still call if you need anything at all I'll come right back. Tonight has been slow." I debate coming home anyway given the amount of distress I could hear in her voice, but I know how stubborn Sara can be and the last thing she needs right now is me breathing down her neck. As worried as I am about her, I know it's important for her to know that I care about her and that I trust her as well.

"Sure. Bye Sofia"

"Bye". I click my phone shut and look over at Catherine, who I'm just wrapping up a case with. We are in the middle of going over the paperwork. I had been her escort on a homicide she investigated a few days ago that she closed earlier in the shift and just had to sign off on some of the information. I can't help letting out a long sigh.

"Sofia, I don't want to pry, but is everything ok with Sara? It's not like her to take time off for anything, and this is the second night in a row. This sounds more serious than just a virus or something".

"She's sick, but she just got a little scared when she became lightheaded. She's staying at my condo for a few days because I didn't want her to be alone just in case she gets worse. You know how she tends to neglect her health. I just want to make sure she gets enough fluids and sleep so that she can get better fast". Catherine doesn't know about our recent relationship, nor about Sara having been living with Grissom for the past year and not having a place of her own. I didn't want to break Sara's confidence by telling someone else, even Catherine about what was going on right now. Not that I had much information about what happened to Sara the other night, but what has happened since… that is another story entirely. One which I know Sara would not want to become public knowledge.

"You're such a good friend, Sofia. She's lucky to have you" Catherine says to me with a smile.


	5. When It Rains

Disclaimers: Don't own anyone. The song is "When It Rains" by Gretchen Wilson.

A/N. SONGFIC Y'ALL! Didn't really think I could do these, but I've been listening to a lot of music (as usual) and there are two songs that really fit with the mood of what I'm trying to do here, so this chapter and the next one are both going to have songs in them. Oh, sorry for the long wait, lots of school work, but spring break now! yay! Enjoy :)

* * *

Sara POV

It's been two months now and I've fallen into a pattern. I've become quite good at hiding my pattern from Sofia, but I still have to be careful just in case. I still haven't been back to the lab. I just can't go back. I almost went back three weeks ago, but as we were driving there I began to get dizzy and hyperventilate and Sofia insisted on turning around and going back home for the night. She even stayed with me and called out from work herself. My pattern begins as soon as Sofia leaves each night for work. On the nights she is home, it's different, but that is usually only one night a week. After she leaves, I head over to the store and buy some beer, or if I'm in an especially down mood, something stronger. When I get home I sit down with my blades and my beer and drink and cut myself into oblivion. When I am so drunk that I know I won't be able to make my way through any more drinks without getting more on myself than in myself, I let sleep take over.

It's the only way to get the memories and the feelings to go away. The memories of Grissom will fade, but it's my feelings for Sofia that never will. I love her more than anyone in this world and I wish I had never hurt her the way I did when I left her. Now our relationship can be no deeper than friendship. Aside from the way I hurt her, nobody would want to be in a relationship with someone as fucked up as I am. I don't know who I was kidding by trying. That is why my blade and my bottle are such close friends of mine. It started with one or two beers a night, but it didn't stay like that for very long. These days I will easily drink six or eight and maybe some vodka with it. Tonight is no different.

_When it rains, I pour a couple more rounds  
__Till the hurtin' and the heartache start to drown  
__I turn out the light, I turn up Dwight  
__And I lock my door  
__When it rains, when it rains  
__I pour_

Goodness this feels good. I can feel myself begin to let go after my first beer and I pop open another. I feel like dancing! I grab the beer from the table, turn up the music, and begin to dance as I drink.

_When life ain't going my way  
__And I can't take one more day of gray  
__Hey hey it's ok  
__I don't need a dose of Dr.Phil  
__I don't need your make it all better pill when I'm low  
__Don't you know don't you know_

_When it rains, I pour a couple more rounds  
__Till the hurtin' and the heartache start to drown  
__I turn out the light I turn up Dwight  
__And I lock my door,  
__When it rains, when it rains I pour_

After another two beers I switch over to my vodka. I'm feeling better and I'm not going to stop now. Sitting down at the table I grab my blade and begin to make some small cuts on my stomach. I chuckle as I think about how it feels almost orgasmic to see the small beads of blood start to appear and I start going deeper and longer. I think of Sofia and how upset she'd be if she knew I was doing this. If I were able to have another chance with her, maybe I'd have a reason to give this up. I'd do it for her. If only she knew how much I love her. If I could only tell her.

In my alcohol and blood induced euphoria I decide to jot down a note to Sofia that I have no intention of ever letting her see. At least this way I can write the words down and get them out, and I'll never have to give the note to her so I won't have an opportunity to see the look of pain on her face when she reads it. I need to let out the feelings I'm having about her, but I can't tell her after what I've done.

_I don't have to have a girl's night out  
__Or runaround with a rowdy crowd to get down  
__Whiskey bent and hell bound  
__When I feel like I ain't got a friend  
__I just call on my old buddy Jim again, and again  
__I like him_

Dear Sofia,

I need to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I wish I could change things and that I had never thought I loved Grissom. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be in this awful place, I'm sure. Maybe I should have just left him for good when he left for his sabbatical. I could have avoided this mess if I had, and I could have had you for the rest of my life. I never loved him, but I didn't realise that until I met you. When he left, I let my feelings get the better of me and found out that I could never live my life without you, but I had to.

As we sat down that night I saw that I had to end it with him because ending what I had with you was tearing me up inside. I tried to tell him the whole night. I kept trying but he wouldn't let me finish my sentences. Eventually, as he forced himself on me, and I gave up. I left as soon as I could without giving him an explanation. He didn't deserve one anymore, and besides, what could I have said?

Here's what I should have said to you a long time ago. Sofia, I love you and I can't live without you. I'm sorry I was too late and that I messed up what we had. I'm sorry that we can't have the kind of love that I want because I've ruined it for us. I'm sorry that I've reduced our relationship to you being my babysitter because I can't live alone anymore. I'm sorry.

From the one who will love you forever,

Sara

_When it rains I pour a couple more rounds  
__Till the hurtin' and the heartache start to drown  
__I turn out the light I turn up Dwight  
__And I lock my door  
__When it rains, when it rains  
__I pour_

My note to Sofia is done, along with the better part of the bottle of vodka. I stuff the note into the trashcan and sit back down staring at the table. My head is starting to pound very heavily. Maybe I shouldn't have had as much to drink… Uh oh. I get up on my unsteady legs, grab my blade, and make my way to the bathroom as quickly as I can. Not a moment too soon, too. Just as I walk in my stomach unloads its contents in painful heaves. Definitely too much to drink. This happens almost every night after I drink, and then the rest of the day during the hangovers. Guess I'll never learn, will I?

_Oh don't you know  
__When it rains  
__When it rains  
__I pour_

* * *

Sofia POV

"Cath? Can I talk to you a sec?" I made a special trip to the lab just to talk to her. She's sitting reading a forensics magazine on the couch of her office. I know that I can't handle this on my own anymore and I need someone who I can talk to. Greg has been Sara's best friend for years but he doesn't know that Sara and I had been together and that she has been staying at my house for the past month and I didn't want to start explaining it to him now.

"Sure, Sofia. What can I do for you?"

"I need to talk to you about something, but I'd rather not do it here. Do you have some time we could go somewhere else and talk?"

She puts down the magazine and grabs her purse. "Sure, we can go right now. I'm not working on a case and I was going to leave soon anyway. Where do you want to go?"

"Diner's good. I'll meet you there". I nervously flip my keys around in my hand and walk out to my car.

At the diner we sit down and order and fill a few minutes with small talk.

"Are you planning on telling me why we're here?" I knew I couldn't get out of this now. I am so nervous about talking about this, and I'm worried about her reaction. I need to talk to her about this, for me, for Sara, but it's so hard to think about, let alone talk about.

"Yeah, uh, it's about Sara" I mumble almost inaudibly.

"How's she doing? I'm worried about her. Is she ok? I've tried calling, but I only ever get voicemail and none of my calls are returned. The guys have tried calling her as well with the same results. We're worried, but I figured that at least she has you there and if something were really wrong you'd let us know…" With that thought she drops her fork and looks up at me. The pupil's of her eyes are so large I can see the fear radiating through them as she puts her thoughts back in order. "She's ok, right? Please tell me she's ok" she pleads.

"I wish I could." I look down at my hands and take a deep breath before I could continue. "Catherine, she's scaring me. When I'm home with her, she seems fine, like the normal Sara. She's fun, seems happy, does a lot of reading, all of the normal Sara stuff, well, aside from sending very mixed signals to me about 'us', I mean. She looks at me and talks to me the way she did when we were together, but once she reaslises she is doing it, she stops and goes somewhere else to occupy herself. I mean, I can deal with that. I would never push her into something she isn't ready for or doesn't want, even though we had it. She also gets sick a lot, but that's from the other stuff…" I trail off and start eating again and can feel Catherine's eyes trying to drill a hole into my head to find out what I'm thinking.

"Which is…?" Catherine prompts. I knew she wasn't going to leave it at that.

I sigh and continue. "When I leave for work, it's like something changes. She thinks I don't notice, but how can't I? After all, I was a CSI for a long time, but it wouldn't take one to see what is happening. When I get home she is usually passed out. Sometimes she makes it to the bed, sometimes she's on the floor or on the couch and I carry her to the bed when I get in. You can smell the alcohol from the second you open the door. She's hung over the whole day and some days spends more time in the bathroom being sick than doing anything else. I used to change her into pajamas when I brought her to the bedroom but I don't anymore. I can't bear to look at what she has done to herself, it just hurts too much. You can see every bone in her body. I can barely get her to eat a thing. She's lost so much weight I'm wondering if I'll have to take her to the doctor to be fed by a tube. She's cutting again too, a lot. Every inch of her stomach and her legs is covered in cuts. She hasn't cut her arms since I saw them a few weeks ago, probably thinking that I'll never see the other cuts, but I do. I see everything. Most mornings when I get home I cry myself to sleep because I wish I could help her but I don't know how. Confronting her about it just makes her close up and get defensive. Cath, I don't know what to do. I'm so worried and I feel like my hands are tied behind my back. All I can do is sit and watch. I've gotten rid of every drop of alcohol I have in the condo and locked away anything that she can cut herself with, but she's got hiding spots where I can't seem to find it all. She's an adult and I know I can't control her, but still, it worries me so much and I don't know what to do to help her."

I sit back and brush the tears that are running down my face away before looking back up at her. She reaches across the table and grabs my hand in hers. "We'll figure this out Sofia. I promise we'll figure this out."

Before I can grab it, she pays the bill and we walk out to our cars. She lifts my chin so that we make eye contact and I begin to cry again. I feel her arms wrap around me in a motherly hug and I cry harder. After we part, I decide that I can't work more tonight and go home.


	6. Don't Leave Me, I Need You

Disclaimers: I own nothing except for Trina the cat... The song is "Raining On Me" by Gretchen Wilson.

A/N: Yes, this is a very long and very intense and dark chapter. I promise after this things will begin to look up, but they had to get worse before they got better. I apologise in advance for any discomfort it may bring you. I also want to say that most of what I write about I do write from personal experience, at least from the perspective of many of the feelings and behaviours. It is a form of therapy for me, so if you don't like it, don't read it, but if you are daring enought, it can give you a glimpse into my life I suppose. Also, another songfic, but as I mentioned before the last story, there were two songs that jumped out at me that seemed appropriate to fit the feelings of these two chapters, so here they are.

I promise that this will be the last intensely dark chapter, and the last songfic in this story, at least for a while!

* * *

Sara POV

As I lean over the toilet to vomit yet again, I begin to think. The more I think about life, the more I realise what my life is worth now. I'm a useless drunken masochist. What has my life ever been other than that? I've been on the wrong side of whatever the hell was going on for as long as I can remember. Especially in relationships, I'm doomed when it comes to them. As a child, I thought a normal family fought all the time and took regular trips to the hospital. I later found out that wasn't true. That was the first time I figured out that the other side was what was meant to be, what was true for most people. My relationship with Grissom, gosh, I thought that was true. But it was just another way to show myself how messed up I can make things for myself. I was never in love with him. Sure, I thought I was, but it was more an admiration of a mentor. But I led him on so well (to be honest, until his sabbatical I had led myself on pretty damned well too). I led him on to the point where he couldn't go back. I forced him to resort to rape. That was my fault. I've ruined a lot of other things as well, too many to count, but the most important thing I've ever ruined was my relationship with Sofia. What kind of cold hearted person would hurt the person that means the world to them in the way that I've done to her? Why do other people have it so easy when it comes to love? Where is my happy ending? Guess I'm not supposed to have one. And I puke again. This time I see blood.

_I've been chasing rainbows all my life  
__Still haven't found that pot of gold  
__I send my prayers to heaven every__ night  
__Just close my eyes and let them go  
__Seems like everybody has got one up on me  
__Someone tell me what I'm supposed to do_

_Why does the sun always shine  
__On the other side, on the other side  
__Why does it always have to be, oh raining  
__Always raining on me_

I finger my blade as I look at my reflection in the toilet bowl's water. I look like shit. I feel like shit. I am worthless. Look at yourself, Sidle. What the hell have you done? You deserve the pain and the hurt, who gave you the idea that you had the right to try to get rid of it with the alcohol? That would be cheating. You have to live with this hell you've created for yourself, that's what you deserve. At least you are getting sick from it. At least it is making you miserable. That is the only thing that is allowing you to continue on with this. I'm getting so dizzy. I look down and see that the cuts on my stomach are bleeding rather heavily right now. That doesn't usually happen. I must've made them deeper than usual. I could use another drink, but I don't seem to be able to make my legs work to get up and get more so I just sit there and inspect my wounds and break every now and then to empty the bile in my stomach, seeing more blood, as everything else is already gone. I her mewing coming from Trina but I ignore it. I know she won't come near me. The coppery stench of the blood will keep her away.

_Seems like I've been standing under the clouds  
__And it's always been that way  
__There ain't no silver lining to be found  
__Everywhere I look it's just another shade of grey  
__And I don't know why  
__And I don't know when  
__And I don't know where to begin_

I do know where to begin. I can begin with the blade. It's still in my hands. I use the edge of it to pick at the open gashes along my stomach that are still bleeding, keeping them from clotting well. I am intrigued by the way I look from this angle. My toned muscles are gone, replaced by the grotesque image of shredded flesh barely covering my protruding bones. I had no idea how beautiful bones could be. Seems odd in a way I guess. I've always looked at the skeletons in the autopsy room with a kind of detachment, but when I can see myself as one, I find it intriguing, almost inviting if you will. I like it, but I don't know why. It's beautifully elegant in its own way. It's like I've got nothing to weight me down anymore.

I look at my reflection in the toilet again and see how sunken my eyes are. I can see the pain, but only because I know what to look for. To anyone else, I just look tired. My eyes aren't focusing well anymore and I'm feeling a bit woozy. So I begin to get more aggressive. I make cuts on my legs, but not too many because I get sick again and nearly pass out where I am, but come back to my position on the floor where I continue to contemplate the meaning of my life and what I have become while I also continue to persuade the blood to flow from me. I panic slightly when my vision blurs up and my mind becomes foggy, but then I feel a calming sensation drift over me like a veil.

_Why does the sun always shine  
__On the other side, on the other side  
__Why does it always have to be, oh raining  
__Always raining on me_

This must be what the end feels like. Or, more accurately, doesn't feel like. I can't feel anything at all. Strangely, I'm not scared anymore. I'm actually feeling what could be called a peaceful anticipation. Because when I think about it, I don't have anything here for me anymore. I've lost my job; I can't even go near the building or the people in it, especially my boss. I've lost Sofia because I pushed her away and treated her like trash, and she's the most important thing in my life. How could I have done that to her? At least now I won't be a burden to her anymore.

Hm. I'm so close to death right now, I can tell. I can't feel anything. I don't feel the pain of the cuts, I don't feel my fingers or toes or any other part of my body. I feel so heavy I could fall through the floor. I could help the process along, that way I won't have to live with this hell any longer than I have to. Grabbing my blade again as steadily as I can with my numb fingers I run it across my wrists and up my arms over and over and over again until I can't hold the metal anymore. I notice the large pools of blood on the floor coming from my arms and the other ones from my stomach and legs and smile. It won't be long now.

I lie down on the tile floor and rest my head on the cold hardness beneath me. My stomach heaves again, but I don't have the strength to lift my head to the toilet, so my vomit lands just in front of me, giving me an image of bloody bile. I'm sure it doesn't smell very nice, but I can't smell anything anymore. But even if I could, it doesn't matter. I'll be gone shortly. I'm sure Sofia won't mind cleaning it up as it will be the last mess she'll ever have to deal with regarding me, and certainly one of the least painful considering all of the emotional messes I've caused her. I'll reach my pot of gold on the other side any minute now. I know it. I won't give up now, I'm almost there.

_I know there's a rainbow hading just beyond the clouds  
__So I'll keep on keeping on  
__Ain't gonna let it get me down  
__I won't let it get me down_

I'm woken from my thoughts by noises coming from down the hall. Footsteps are coming closer. I try to lift my head to see or hear more, but it's too heavy to move. I see a fuzzy person walk to the bedroom and look in calling something that sounds like my name. The person looks in my direction, and I can hear her more clearly this time. "Sara! Fuck! I can't believe I left you alone. This is all my fault!" She moves away again and I can hear her screaming to someone else quite enthusiastically, but I don't see anyone else. She's probably just cheering to herself about how wonderful it'll be to have Sara Sidle out of this world and gone from being the bother that she is, although I'm not sure what I have to do with this other mystery person.

I see the outlines of the person come back. She comes into the bathroom and moves closer to me and leans down on the floor. She puts her hands gently on my face and tries to get me to pick my head up. When she sees I can't, she puts a towel under my head. Could it be Sofia? She's at work… but this has to be her. Nobody else has a voice that can make my heart leap. "Sara, please, come on! Don't do this to yourself. Stay with me, I'm begging you. Please don't leave me alone here. I found your note. I'm not mad at you. The reason that I opened up to you intimately the way I used to is because I thought you wanted it to be over, or that you needed your space, or that you weren't ready for that, or something. God, I should have said something so much sooner. I could have kept this from happening. This is my fault Sara, don't pay for my mistakes. I feel like such an ass right now." Sofia is staring down at me crying, and leans forward and plants a small kiss on my cheek. My note? She was never supposed to see that. How did she find it? It was in the trash. The anxiety over the note is quickly put to rest with the reassurance that I will soon be flying to the other side, the side where the sun shines and the rain never falls and everyone has their happy ending. The note won't matter there.

I think I can hear the sounds of a siren outside, or maybe hearing things is just the last stage of life. Not many people talk about dying. It's not a subject that is a happy one for them to bring up I suppose. I hear talking again. "Sara, I love you and I will always love you. Why do you think I've been here for you through all of this? Why do you think I spend all day every day worrying about you? you are so much more to me than a best friend. You are my life. You are the one I want to be with forever and always. I don't care about your past mistakes in our relationship. Hell, I've made quite a few myself. That's what relationships are. Love, mistakes, and forgiveness. I love you, Sara. Please don't let go. If you won't do it for yourself, or even for us, do it for me!" Sofia is demanding that I do the impossible. I would do anything she asked of me to the best of my ability. I'll do anything to make her happy. For the first time in a long time, I wish I could take back what I have done tonight. She wants me back with her. If I had a chance, I'd come back in a heartbeat to be with her. But she doesn't know that my body can't come back now. It's too far gone. I wish I could tell her yet again that I was sorry, sorry for doing this now that I know we had a chance. I want to tell her that the information she just told me is enough to make me want to do anything to come back, but I can't make the words come. I can't believe what I wanted for so long is right in front of me, on the side I've been on for so long just as I'm crossing to the other side where there is no returning. She loves me, and I won't be here anymore to live our dream of making a permanent life with each other. I can feel wetness go down my cheek and I'm not sure if it's my tears or hers and she takes her thumb and wipes them away, but it doesn't matter. I can't change anything now. Figures that everything in my life is better on the side that I'm not on…

_Why does the sun always shine  
__On the other side, on the other side  
__Why does it always have to be, oh raining  
__Always raining on me_

With my last shred of consciousness I notice more people in the room suddenly. I can feel myself being lifted onto a gurney and all at the same time things are pressed onto my arms and chest, and something else is put on my face covering my mouth and nose. I hear fragments of speech, "Dangerously dehydrated… malnourished… blood alcohol level well over toxic limit… massive blood loss… self inflicted injuries… possible suicide attempt…" Sofia's hand is clutching mine in a death grip through the whole ting, but I can barely feel it because my body has gone almost completely numb. With all of the strength I have left I tilt my head as much as I can towards her and try my best to mouth the words, "I love you". I can tell she saw because I see one corner of her mouth curl up slightly despite the tears pouring down her red face from her swollen eyes. I again focus in on the words of the other people in the room, "… losing a pulse… cardiac arrest…" I hear a howl of anguish and then there is nothing.

_Always raining on me  
__Always raining on m  
__Always raining on me_

* * *

Sofia POV

After my chat with Catherine I decide to go home. I'm really worried and I intend to sit down with Sara and have a talk with her. I know that it will either finish with a fight or with her shutting down and going into the place inside herself where she goes to escape her life when I'm around and she knows she can't get away with drowning in her alcohol and cutting. This has to be done, and it has to be done now. I know I can do this now. I know what I need to do, and I will no longer hesitate. If I can't get through to her, I know that as much as she'll resent me for it, and as guilty as I will feel, it's time for professional intervention, and that is what she will get.

I pull into the driveway of my condo and don't even remember driving there. I let myself in and look for Sara in her usual spot on the couch. When I don't see here there, I walk up the stairway and call her name out a few times, thinking maybe she was in bed. The only things on the bed are Trina and a note in Sara's handwriting addressed to me. I read it and don't like the way it sounds. Getting worried I look around. I know she's home, her truck is parked outside. As soon as my eyes hit the bathroom my heart stops and my breath gets lodged in my throat. With the quick gathering of composure I've learned while on the job, I find I can speak again and out of my mouth emanates a string of explicatives that I can't control. My first impulse is to run to her, but I know that I can't give her the kind of help she needs right now so I run to the telephone first.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"This is Detective Sofia Curtis with the LVPD. I need an ambulance at my condo immediately. I have a critically injured CSI." I'm hoping the woman on the other end can understand me because I'm in hysterics now and can barely comprehend my own thoughts.

"We are dispatching someone as we speak. The will arrive within five minutes."

"Thank you. Please hurry." That is all I say before I hang up and run back to the bathroom where Sara is lying.

Despite my years of training and the many gruesome crime scenes I've been witness to, nothing could have prepared me to see the woman of my heart curled on the floor laying in a large puddle of her own blood and vomit. I lean down and try to get her to look at me but I can tell she is having trouble focusing. I grab a towel and stick it under her head to try to make her more comfortable, the whole time babbling like some kind of idiot. I see the blade she had been using and move it out of our reach. Where is that damned ambulance? It should be here by now!

There is so much I have to tell her, especially now since I've read the note she had written me. My heart and my mouth go miles faster than my brain as I explain to her that she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and that I can't live without her. I demand that she doesn't let go so we can have our perfect life that I now know we both want. I don't mention what she had said about Grissom. We can deal with that bastard later. Right now all I care about is keeping her with me. She begins to cry and I wipe away the tears with my thumb and plant a soft kiss on her cheek, not wanting to think that this could be the last time I ever get the chance to do that.

The ambulance and paramedics arrive and I try to move out of their way, but I refuse to let go of her hand. I'm afraid if I do I'll never be able to feel her flesh on mine again. I'll be letting go of her for good. I listen to what they are saying as I keep my mind on Sara, and answer the questions of one of them as best as I can with what little focus I have while the others begin to attend to her injuries.

"Ma'am? Can you give us her name?"

I nod, "Sara. Sara Sidle."

"What is her relationship to you?"

"We, uh, she's my, ah, Sara and I, we… I'm sorry. We're partners."

"Can you tell us what happened?" Why is he asking me these questions? Can't he see what has happened? Can't he see that she's in pain and I couldn't fix it?

"Something happened to her about two months ago and she wouldn't tell me what it was. She's been spiraling downward since then and I've been trying to do everything I could to help her, and I even left work early tonight to come home and do my best to force her into professional treatment… God, I can't believe I'm too late!" I break down again in front of him.

I focus on what the woman and man working on Sara are saying. She's lying on a gurney and I grip her hand even tighter. "She's dangerously dehydrated and severely malnourished. She's consumed a vast amount of alcohol and her blood alcohol level is well over the toxic limit, we'll have to pump her stomach when we get her to the hospital to make sure there isn't anything left in there despite the vomiting. She's had massive blood loss from her cuts on her abdomen and arms, possibly having severed a few major veins which is compounded by the bleeding from her stomach. Definite signs of self inflicted injuries; this could be a possible suicide attempt."

Listening to this is making my soul die. I can't imagine the kind of pain she has been in all this time. Why didn't she tell me? How blind could I have been? I knew there was something wrong, but I had no idea how wrong it was. I take a look at Sara's face. She is now covered with monitors and is wearing an oxygen mask. I can see her struggling to turn to me and our eyes lock for a moment. Her mouth tries to say something and while I can't hear anything, her lips make out the words, "I love you" and all I can do is try to smile. She needs me to be strong for her right now and I need to show her that I am here. Thinking that is the only thing that can get me to smile right now. My life, no, not my life, the love of my life, is slipping away right in front of me and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it right now, but I could have, if I had only paid more attention earlier…

I'm brought back to life with the blaring of alarms coming from the monitors above Sara. I focus in on what the EMT's are saying again. "We're losing her pulse. Push fluids and hook up a unit of blood. She's going into cardiac arrest. Let's go!" They quickly move her out of my reach and begin resuscitation procedures on the way out. I let out a long haunted scream, almost like a coyote howling through the night. One of the paramedics holds onto me as my legs buckle beneath me and I'm no longer able to hold my own weight up, and walks me quickly out to the ambulance and we make our way to the hospital. The whole time all I can think of is what I would do if I never saw my Sara alive again. Yes, she's MY Sara, and I'll never let her go. A brief thought crosses my mind to call they guys at the lab, but that can wait until later. Right now I need to be with Sara.

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Please R&R guys if you'd like. I love hearing your feedback :) 


	7. Emergency Room

**Disclaimers: I own nothing but my crude grasp of even cruder language... **

**A/N: Sorry about the wait... I'll be spending the next few weeks sitting through medical infusions every few days so I'll have plenty of time to write more, I promise!**

**A/N: There is a bit of "choice language" in this chapter as well as some words and actions which may be found particulary offensive to the homosexual community. It is not my intention to offend or bash, as I would be bashing myself as well. I am simply trying to illustrate some of the prejudices and attitudes which can be encountered on a daily basis. I have thought a lot about it, and I felt that to truly create the impact and the feeling of hostility, I could not compromise by using less severe language.**

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When we reach the hospital I follow the doctors as they rush Sara into the emergency room, but suddenly a set of solid hands grab my shoulder. I struggle to break free, but my other arm is captured by another set of hands. "I'm sorry miss, but you can't come back here with us." I can't even think anymore and instead decide to call upon every ounce of physical strength I have to attempt to shake myself free, which is usually not inconsiderable, as I do work out nearly every day, but after the recent events, I'm drained. 

"You can't keep me out! She needs me with her!" I'm furious, and I can taste the venom in my voice.

"I'm sorry, but this is not debatable. Please see the nurse at the triage desk for information on our policies" he replies emotionlessly which infuriates me even more.

Flattening anyone who is in my way, I storm to the front of the queue at the triage counter not seeing, nor caring, about anyone who may have been there first. Deciding to go for broke, I pull out my badge and hold it an inch away from the nurse's face. "I'm detective Sofia Curtis with the LAPD. I need to see Sara Sidle, a patient who was brought in several minutes ago, immediately. She is one of our CSI's."

I become impatient as she types something into her keyboard. _Is she writing a damned dissertation?_ "I'm sorry, Detective, but Ms. Sidle is only allowed to have immediate family with her right now. You've obviously not her mother, nor her daughter, and please don't try to tell me you are her sister. Unless you have any proof of the contrary, you can stay here in the waiting area and somebody will come out to let you know of her condition soon." My jaw practically hits the floor. A few minutes ago I didn't think I could be more angry or frustrated, but I find out that neither emotion has reached its limit within me.

"Look, I'm not just her partner at the department, which is what I told the paramedics because I didn't feel it was the time or place to- I don't need to explain myslef to you! She's my girlfriend, and in case nobody mentioned it, she was at MY house when she was found, and she's been living with me for months since she finally left her abusive bastard of an ex! You need proof? There it is. I _AM_ HER FAMILY, SO LET ME IN TO SEE HER!" I'm sure you could hear me all the way in Philadelphia, but I no longer had the ability nor the incentive to keep my cool.

The triage nurse looks up at me with a vaguely amused look and I want to punch the smug air of superiority out of her, but I somehow manage to restrain myself. She opens her mouth to speak again, but hesitates momentarily as she sees my expression. After a fraction of a second, she decides to continue, this time in one of the most patronising tones I've ever heard. "I'm very sorry, Detective, but as I said, immediate family only. You'll have to have a seat and wait." And then she has the nerve to smile at me and gesture towards the rows of chairs. Oh, yes, it was one of THOSE fake smiles that people like to give you when they know they are being an asshole and that there isn't a damned thing you can do about it. _Just wait, Ms. Asshole, until I get back to the station and I'm going to dig up anything I can possibly find to get your ass busted for ANYTHING… I've got contacts you know!_

I send her another glare full of daggers, wishing that looks really could kill. As I walk away I scream another string of explicatives, probably my third or fourth that night, but who's counting? The people around me back off another few feet. I guess I've scared the living daylights out of them, but I honestly couldn't give a rat's ass right now. I kick the wall as hard as I can, and I'm disappointed that I don't leave more than a small scuff in the paint, and then make my way over the seats.

As I sink into the uncomfortable chair in the waiting room of the emergency department at Desert Palms Hospital I think about the last hour. An hour ago, I had a problem, and I had a plan for fixing it, a plan to save my girlfriend. Forty minutes ago, the illusion I called my life fell apart. How could I have let this go so far? Why didn't I do something when I saw what was happening? It seemed so easy at the time to feel like what was happening was out of my control, but the more I think about it, the more I realise I should have done something, anything.

Sighing, I pull out my phone and begin to dial the now familiar number. I am getting worried she won't pick up, but after three rings I get an answer.

"Willows"

I can tell I had woken her up by the slight slur in her words, but this was important. Suddenly, I'm at a loss for what to say. My thoughts are going in circles in my mind, but none of them are coming to my mouth.

"Hello?"

_Fuck. She's waiting for me to say something._ "Catherine?"

"Sofia? What's wrong? You sound awful? Did you talk to Sara yet?" My uncontrollable tears which had leveled off to a trickle suddenly came back in torrents. "Sofia, talk to me. What did she say? Please tell me she didn't run off…" I hear a groan emanate from her. She probably thinks I'm calling to ask her to help me locate Sara.

"I never even had a chance to talk to her! She- she-" I can't continue anymore. I can't breathe. Just try to choke out a few more words, Sofia. "You need to come to Desert Palms, now." That's all I can manage.

"Wha…? What happened? Are you ok? I guess you are, since you are on the phone with me… Sara? Is she ok?"

"I don't know! They haven't told me anything! Just get here!" I cringe at my own outburst. "I'm sorry Catherine. That was uncalled for. Would you mind calling the others? I'll call Jim myself, but I just can't think anymore. Just- just not Grissom, don't call him".

"Why not G-"

"I can't explain right now. Just get here. I need you guys… Sara needs you too."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you. I'll call the guys and be there as soon as I can. Give me about half an hour. Will you be ok? Would you like me to call you back as soon as I'm off the phone with the guys?" Sometimes I wonder how she has the energy to be so thoughtful.

"No, I won't be ok, but you don't have to call me back. Everyone will get here sooner if you just come instead of worrying about calling me back." As an afterthought, I add, "Thanks Catherine."

"You're welcome. Hang on, we'll be there soon. If you change your mind, you have my number." I hear silence after she's hung up, and then I make the same hard phone call to Jim Brass.

When I'm done, I clip my phone back onto its holder on my belt, sigh again, and sit back. I'm not only physically drained, but I'm emotionally drained as well. I can't hold back the new wave of tears, so I resolve to just let them fall.

About fifteen minutes later I see someone sit down in the seat beside me in my peripheral vision and then feel his strong, supportive, arm wrap around me, pulling me closer in a comforting gesture. I know who it is without looking. It's Captain Jim Brass. _Figures he would be the first to get here, he's got the car with the flashing lights and sirens, after all._ I tilt my tear streaked face up to look to him. We don't have to speak for me to know he's concerned; not just for Sara, but for me as well. The look in his eyes says it all. He's been like a father figure to both of us. He doesn't ask any me questions, or say anything to me to try to "make things better". Together we just sit there crying silently together, until everyone else arrives.

Nick and Warrick soon walk in together with a look of urgency, with Greg close behind on their heels. Their usual playful banter is nowhere to be seen.

"Hey, what's up with Sara?" Greg asks.

Jim looks up and shakes his head to indicate that I'm not yet ready to discuss this.

The clicking of someone running in high heeled shoes causes us all to turn around and look towards the door to see the worried face of Catherine. _It's amazing that even when she's been woken up in the middle of her sleep she manages to look so put together. How does she do that?_

"Hey" is all she says before wrapping her arms around me in another of those hugs that has been perfected by nearly two decades of being a mother. "It's OK Sofia. Just cry for now."

"But your shirt…"

"Forget the shirt, that's what dry cleaners are for". When my tears have slowed down to a slow trickle, she breaks the silence which had become the norm for the group since our arrival here. "How is she?"

Surprising myself, I respond with my voice barely over a whisper, very different from my outbursts thus far. Perhaps it's because of exhaustion, or perhaps it could be the comforting support of knowing that our friends are here now. "They won't tell me Catherine. They said I'm not- not-" I can't finish and begin to cry uncontrollably again. I sink down to the floor and feel Jim lift me back up and sit me down into the uncomfortable chair and then seats himself beside me again. "I'm not family" I finish, my voice barely audible.

Jim grunts while crossing his arms over his chest, and then moves one hand up to stroke his chin in thought. "I'll go see what I can find out" he offers and walks towards Ms. Asshole at triage. _Good luck with that…_

After he stands up, Catherine fills Jim's empty seat to my right and I again rest my head on her shoulder and gently rubs comforting circle on my back while I cry. Greg sits down on the other side of me and grabs my hand, squeezing it in a friendly gesture of support. I squeeze back knowing he must be as torn up as I am. Greg and Sara are practically brother and sister. I look behind Catherine's back to see Warrick sitting on her other side with is left hand on her right knee. Nick is having trouble taking the whole situation in. He's pacing back and forth wearing a hole in the ugly linoleum flooring. Sitting and waiting is something he is not comfortable doing. _We really are like a family._ "I'm going to get some coffee. Anyone else want any?" Nick offers, then walks away without waiting for an answer.

Behind us, the entry doors slam open, startling the entire room into silence. The next few seconds feel as though they last a lifetime. Pounding footsteps reverberate through the room and stop standing mere inches away from my feet and my heart stops beating. A rough hand grabs my arm and pulls me to a standing position while the other not so gently latches onto my hair, jolting my head back and forcing my bloodshot eyes to stare at his face. _He's probably trying to get me to look into his eyes._ Instead, I stare into his disgusting cavern of a mouth. "What the HELL have you done to MY fiancée, DYKE?"

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**Please R&R... **


	8. The Truth

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this chapter except for a few REALLY uncomfortable plastic chairs, unfortunately...

A/N: I can't apologise enough for how long this has taken me to post. I found that it was nearly impossible for me to type during my treatments because of the IV tubes (I had forgotten how annoying they were) and the medicine itself made me feel rather ill. As soon as that was done, it was on to schoolwork. Term is over in two weeks and I have papers and presentations piled up as well as exams to study for and I just got over sidetracked with a few (ultimately bad) ideas for what were very quick oneshot fics and I wrote those during random down time moments when I didn't have my computer to work with (i.e. I didn't need to look up stuff of what I had written in previous chapters to keep it flowing together) unfortunately... I hope that it isn't too disappointing of a chapter after the long wait and the cliffhanger... Thank you for your comments and please keep them coming!

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What they say about your life flashing through your eyes during your last seconds of life is something I've never put much stock in, but that's exactly what begins to happen. Two seconds into my trip through memory lane, however, I reach a memory that I would have preferred to have forgotten, and a critical missing piece to my puzzle comes together. _I can't believe I didn't see this sooner. Could I really have been this dense? _The connection my mind has just made throws me into action and less than five seconds after he had uttered that sentence which had sent waves of rage throughout my body, I reacted. Rage has a way of chasing away exhaustion, I've found. I defiantly look into his eyes, and then crack a smile. 

My thought processes no longer have control over any part of me. My instinct and reflexes have completely taken over. My knee drives into his groin causing an immense amount of pain to him, and his grips on both my arm and my hair loosen just enough to give me a small range of motion. I jam my left elbow, the one he is currently trying to hold, into his abdomen which knocks him down onto his back while I draw my gun from its holster with my right hand, click the safety latch off, and aim it towards his heart at a distance of less than fifteen centimeters. I'm standing over him with my right foot on his abdomen placing just enough weight to keep him down, and my left is lodged tightly against his ribs. I allow myself another smile and a small chuckle escapes my lips when I notice how the tables have turned. I can feel the look of strength and determination in my eyes, but his mirror the look of horror and confusion that had been present in my own just a moment before.

The irony of the situation is not lost on either one of us, but I feel the compulsion to express the reason for my laugher to the others. I let out another chuckle before I can find my words, which unfortunately, causes my moment of triumph to come to an all too unsatisfying end.

"Sofia! What the hell are you doing? Holster your weapon, NOW!" _Fuck, it's Brass. Why does he have to spoil all my fun? Not this time! _I look over to see Jim running in my direction, his own hand on his own weapon, which is still on his belt, always prepared for anything. _Or is he doing that as a warning to me? _I hold my hands steady keeping perfect aim on the man's heart. "Detective Curtis! Put away the gun now or it will be forcefully taken from you." _Damn. I can still win this… _Reluctantly, I slowly back my gun away from Mr. FullOfHimself Gil Grissom and place it back into its resting position at my hip, feeling defeated, but not yet ready to give up.

"Why. Are. You. Here?" I spit out through my clenched jaw.

"Sofia, what's your problem? I come in here to offer support to my fiancée, whose injuries I'm sure were inflicted by you, and believe me, I'll prove it too, and you pull your gun on me and have the nerve to ask why I'm here? The triage nurse called me since I'm listed as Sara's next of kin. Guess you're not important enough for her to change it, huh?"

"Cut the crap Grissom. Everyone here knows I'd never do anything to hurt Sara, but I think it's about time to let them know why YOU would!" _If what he has done to me, and now, my Sara, can ever serve a purpose, it's right now…_

I walk back to the hard chairs and sit down. I surely can't be standing for this. _Here's your chance everyone. It's time to see the tough and unflappable Detective Sofia Curtis, former CSI, crumble and break down from a single memory. _I look at my colleagues and see they are watching me intently. With a deep breath, I begin.

Flashback

_I was in Grissom's office talking to him about my demotion. It was _definitely_ the worst thing that had ever happened in terms of my career, but at least it would mean I would get to spend more time with Sara. Still, I was very upset. After all, I had had been supervisor of the swing shift, and now I was just a regular CSI on night shift._

_"Would you like to have dinner with me?" he asks._

_Wow. That seems like such a random question… "Sure, I'd like that". I thought he was asking me to dinner friend to friend to help lift my spirits a bit. I had no idea what he had actually had in mind. I assumed he know that I was gay, after all, pretty much everyone at the lab did, but I guess not, because unbeknownst to me, he had just asked me out on a date._

_Later that night, when we arrived back at my condo after dinner, he moved to lean in and kiss me, but I backed off. "Grissom, I'm sorry. I must have misunderstood your intentions with your dinner invitation. I, uh, this isn't what I had in mind."_

_He looked at me questioningly. "What do you mean?"_

_"Gil, uh, well, I thought you knew, but I guess not… I'm not sure exactly the best way to break this to you without making you feel a bit oblivious, so I guess I'll just say it. I'm gay. I thought this was just a night out with a friend, and I just assumed you knew. I'm sorry if I misled you. I should be going in now." I turned and walked through the door and turned around to shut it and caught a glimpse of his crushed expression. I briefly hesitated. I wanted to say something more, but I didn't know what. _

_That moment of hesitation was all he needed to grab me and shove me through the doorway into the condo. He was gripping me tightly around my neck and was cutting off my circulation in just the right places to make my body feel weak and limp like cold spaghetti without causing me to lose conciousness. I felt him pulling me towards him, and I couldn't resist. I had lost control of my body. I found myself in the bedroom not knowing how I had ended up there. He spoke to me, but I can't make out what he said. When he went to unbutton my black pants he removed his hand from my neck, I realised I could feel my limbs again, and immediately took control once more. With a swift kick I was free of his grip completely. I guess he wasn't expecting me to fight back, probably assuming that I was still weak from his strong hold. Not even bothering to take the time to redress I grabbed my clothes off the floor and ran outside to seek refuge in my Tahoe. That night I just drove for a while before deciding to rent a room at a hotel._

_I had very little reason, if any, to distrust Gil Grissom. Sara had absolutely none at this stage of their relationship. She trusted him with her whole being, her entire soul. I had no evidence against him after that night. I stopped him before he had the chance to rape me. The only traces of him would be epithelials on my lips and other parts of my body. There was nothing conclusive to support my claim of attempted rape. I had nothing, and knowing that would be no use in any type of case, I never discussed the matter. That's when I requested an immediate transfer to Boulder City, which he granted, probably wanting to get rid of me as much as I had wanted to get away from Vegas, and more specifically, him. _

_After months away from Las Vegas, I realised I had to come back, but I wouldn't work under Grissom again. This time, I was a detective, a cop. I worked directly under Jim Brass. Grissom couldn't touch me now. _

"You wanted it, you know you did. You blatantly flirted with me, leading me on. It's your fault that we ended up on a date, and you know it!" Grissom responded to my recount of the events, but I can't fathom where he has come up with such an idea.

"Gil, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Come on, Sofia. The night of the reception in honour of Ecklie's promotion and the murder at the hotel we were at. You changed out of your dress right in front of both me and Jim knowing full well I would notice! I know you weren't trying to get his attention, so you were doing it for me!"

"I changed because that dress was restrictive, and the coveralls were much more practical for investigating a crime scene, and you know it."

"What about the 'I'm wearing underwear… As far as you know' comment? If that's not flirting with more than a suggestion of desire, I don't know what is!"

_Does this man have no sense of humour? It was a joke! Wait, why am I debating this with him?_ "Oh, please. Don't delude yourself. Besides, even if I had been flirting, since when would that be an open invitation to rape me?" I can see his anger and frustration with the way the situation is going.

"You bitches are all the same, you know that? You and Sara deserve each other. I'm sure you'll both realise what fucked up idiots you both are once you really get to know what life with one of you is like."

_I can't believe he's stooped so low. Even so, he has no idea that I have never been happier with anyone in my life, and neither had Sara until he had intervened. _I take a calming breath and make the decision to be the bigger person in this situation. I will not lower myself to the standards of Gil Grissom's behaviour. As angry and upset as I am, I turn around and walk away. I don't know where I'm going, but anywhere else is welcomed.

"Don't you fucking walk away from me while I'm talking to you, woman!"

_Don't respond. He's trying to get you to take his bait._

Obviously not happy with my response, or lack of response, he charges after me and shoves me to the ground from behind. I make no move to resist. I'm done fighting, and I know with Jim and the rest of the team there, he won't get far with whatever he has planned. Before the full knowledge of what I had just been thinking has even been realised, I felt his weight being hoisted off of me.

I get off of the floor and turn around to see Jim handcuffing him. "Gil Grissom, you are under arrest for assaulting a police officer. You're coming with me". Jim's tone of voice let me know he was despised by the real Gil Grissom, the man he never knew existed behind the socially awkward entomologist.

As the two of them walked out of the lobby I again dropped into an uncomfortable plastic chair to find the support of my colleagues. I know that all of the evidence against Grissom is circumstantial and will never get him fired, but now that his "secret" is out, I know that the others will make the lab as much of an awful work environment as they can. He will leave. He's weak. He thinks he is strong, but he isn't. We will beat him in the end.

"Is a Sofia Curtis here?" My head snaps up at the sound of my name. I look to see a nurse standing just outside the doors to the emergency department looking for someone to respond to her hail. I quickly glance at Greg, Nick, Catherine, and Warrick before heading over to her.

"Are you Sofia? Sara Sidle is asking for you. She is only allowed one visitor with her in the emergency treatment area, and she has requested you. Please follow me."

For the second time in ten minutes I am feeling hopeful. "Please tell me she is OK" I ask, almost begging. I know if she is asking for me, she is definately much better than she had been the last time I had seen her, but as for how much better, I have no clue.

"The doctor will come in to talk to you shortly. For now, you can be with her for support".

Armed with the knowledge that I will see Sara in a few short minutes, as well as the fact that Grissom has now confessed quite publicly to his actions, I find a spring in my step. Things can only get better from here on.

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Please R&R! I wanna hear whatever it is you have to say, good or bad :) 


	9. Recovery Begins

Disclaimers: I don't own anything. Wish I did, but I don't...

A/N: Again, I wish I could give you a reason for not updating this story, but to be honest, I don't have one. I haven't done much of anything recently other than the bare minimum I have to do such as work and the such. Hopefully I will be able to keep my focus and finally finish this story. I know where I want it to go, but I guess I'm just too lazy to sit down and type? Anyhows, again, I apologise, and I hope the long wait didn't deter too many readers...

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The moment the curtain was pulled back from around the bed in which Sara lay, the spring in my step vanishes. She is barely visible amongst the machines, tubing, blankets, and other medical equipment surrounding her. After the nurse had given me access, she simply left me there to take in the sight with no preparation before hand. Standing where I was in the small opening of the curtain, I found that I could barely make my legs move. There is another one of those damned plastic chairs in the corner which I slowly make my way over to and stopped. Glancing over at Sara, I see that her eyes are closed. I pull the chair next to her bed and sit down. I want to take one of her hands in mine and just hold it, but the IV tubing was covering both. Instead, I lay my head up against her arm on the bed and let my tears fall.

"Fia, I'm so sorry."

My heart leaps when I hear the faint whisper. My head whips up and I stare into Sara's normally deep chocolate eyes which have since taken on a grayish tint, along with the rest of her body.

"Baby, don't apologise. It's not your fault. We will get through this together. I promise that I won't leave you or hurt you, ever. I know you have been left and hurt too many times in the past, and I will never do that to you, do you understand? There is a long, hard road ahead of us leading towards getting back to our normal lives, but we can do it together." I do my best to reassure her with a smile.

Several minutes of silence follow before the doctor walks in.

"Hi. I'm Dr. Gilbert. I was the one who took care of Ms. Sidle when she came into the emergency department." The doctor seemed to be directing all of his information towards me, which I find rather rude. Sara is perfectly able to understand this even if she is the patient, but I allow him to continue as I know that hearing what he has to say is more important than who he says it to. "She is now in stable condition, although when she came in, it was touch and go for quite some time. We had to get what alcohol we could out of her stomach to prevent further toxicity as well as administer several units of blood to replace what was being lost. While we were working on her, her heart stopped twice and she had to be shocked both times. Many of the wounds which she has inflicted will not be able to be sutured due to their depth and size, but rather closed from the inside out with wet to dry bandages because of the risk of infection. We will be transferring her to the ICU shortly because she does need close monitoring for at least a week, possibly longer.

"When she is medically ready for discharge, there are several things that I believe you should consider. After such severe suicide attempts, we strongly recommend that the patient spend time in a residential facility which can help to deal with the psychiatric problems or specific events triggering the actions. As Ms. Sidle is not a minor, this option cannot be forced upon her at this point unless we feel she is in imminent danger of harming herself again upon discharge, in which case we would be forced to commit her involuntarily. However, I do see that she has you as support, and that will go a long way with her recovery. I must be going, but I will drop by again before she is transported upstairs."

With that, Dr. Gilbert left. _I can't believe he didn't even ask how she was feeling, or if we had any questions for him. I hope what they say about doctors is right in this case… they can be the best in their field but have the bedside manner of a crocodile…_

"Sara, did you understand what he said? I'm very sorry he was talking to me the entire time. Maybe he figured you were asleep."

I get a small nod from Sara as she tries to reach for my face to stroke my cheek. I gently take her hand and put it in mine, being very careful around the IV's, and give her a small kiss just as gently before she falls again into sleep. This time I am assured by the steady beeping of the monitors that she is, indeed, alive.

There is so much I have to tell her about the recent happenings with Grissom, but that can wait until she is more awake. I know the news will make her feel safer now that he is in custody, and knowing Jim, he will no doubt get the maximum jail time allowed. The exhaustion again catches up with me and I lay my head back down next to her arm and drift off into sleep.

I am awoken by a nurse coming in to take Sara up to the ICU ward. Dr. Gilbert never came back, but I guess I didn't expect him to. Looking at my watch, I realise it's only been about fifteen minutes. The nurse tells me what room Sara will be placed in, and I decide to go and fill the others in on her condition. I give Sara one more small kiss and whisper to her sleeping form that I will be upstairs with her in just a few minutes. The hard part is just beginning, but a new life, a better life, will be awaiting us when this is over.

As I head back out to the waiting room, I see everyone look up at me expectantly for news.

Again sitting with the comfort of friends and colleagues, we are all there to support each other as I reveal each detail to them. We truly are a family. This family is one we can trust. I know that I will never feel the same security I had before Grissom showed his fangs so to speak, but there is something about this group of people that makes me feel safe. Even though she was betrayed by one of "us", I hope that someday Sara can be comfortable trusting this family again too.


	10. A New Stage

Disclaimers: Nothing's mine except for the memories behind the story.

A/N: Again, I have no good excuse for what took me so long. I am incredibly sorry. I hope that there are still a few readers out there... Now that school is back again I will be at my computer more and I promise I won't let this go as long as I have. I'm planning on at least two or three more chapters, but I know they won't take as long to get out as this did. Also, I apologise for the brief length of this chapter, but where I stopped seemed to be a fitting stopping place.

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Today is my seventh day in the hospital, and the doctor is finally letting me be transferred out of the ICU to a regular medical ward. This morning the nurse came in and woke me up way too early for my usual morning bandage changes, she actually disconnected me from the heart monitor as well as one of my IV's and now I can actually get up and walk around without help. I still have to lug around the awful IV pole but that I can handle for now. Sofia will be here in two hours after her shift is over and I am planning on surprising her when she arrives. She is trying to insist on taking time off to be with me but I am just as stubborn on the other end. She stays here most of the day and takes a nap when I do and then goes to work at night. I wish she would go home and get some real sleep. Deep inside my mind, though, I know that I would never be able to be this sane in a hospital without her here when I am awake. With that thought, I decide to try to get some more sleep before she arrives. 

"Knock, knock!" I open my eyes to see Sofia standing in the doorway with breakfast. Immediately feeling the lightness of not wearing my cardiac leads, I leap out of bed to drag her into the room only to be stopped midway by my IV tubes. Instead of finishing off my journey, I stand in the middle of the room with the best puppy dog look I could muster up, but instead ended up laughing, with Sofia joining in.

Finally, I find myself able to talk again. "They are moving me to a regular medical ward today. That means that I'm getting ready to go home! I can't wait to sleep in our own bed!" I lean in towards Sofia and we share a gentle kiss, but I can feel that there is something that she is holding back that she is worried about.

"Fia, what's wrong?"

"Sara, I know that you hate when I bring this up, but just know that before I say it, that I am only looking out for you because I love you more than anything else in any universe that could exist and I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you…"

I look into her eyes and now I'm getting worried. I can't fathom what has her so tangled up. "What's wrong?"

"I just want to make sure that you are going to follow through with the plan that we created during our meetings with the social worker. That means that you go every single day to the outpatient program at the center for a month and then we will see what they say, but if you don't show up, they will keep you inpatient. I need to know that you are ready to leave here and that you are going to be able to keep up with what is needed. I promise, as I've promised so many times in recent weeks, I'll be there with you the whole way. I can't be with you during the day at the center, but I will be with you at home and you can call me whenever you need to, do you understand?"

I have no idea what to say. Of course I'm going to follow through with this. I know I have to. I look down at myself and I can still see the mess I was. My body is littered with scars and newer wounds that are covered in large bandages. I can see the outline of my bones through my pajamas. I can also feel the intense craving for a drink. I stand firmly by the fact that I don't have an alcohol problem, but I use it to try to forget about my "me" problem. I still have a huge me problem, and for that, my body is craving the alcohol to take it away. Then I look up again at Sofia. I realise I no longer need the alcohol because I have her.

"Sofia, I can never lie to you about this. I fully intend to do everything in my power to correct my mistakes and be able to have a normal life back at the lab and a wonderful life at home with you". I have to lower my head again because I can feel the tears starting to form in my eyes. I feel her strong fingers gently stroke my cheek and then softly lift my face up to face hers. She walks me over to the bed and we both sit down to share a more passionate kiss than the one upon her entrance. Our breakfast forgotten, we lose track of time within each other's comfort and love.

An unknown amount of time later, the nurse walks in to tell me that it is time to be moved. "Do you know when I will be released to outpatient care?"

"Honey, didn't they tell you? If everything goes well tonight, you can go home tomorrow evening!"

The thought of that brings a huge grin to my face. I look to Sofia and see her expression mirrors my own. She then walks up to the nurse and quietly asks where I will be located.

"Sara, I'll meet you in your new room in a few minutes. I have to go make a few phone calls".

Before I could inquire as to who needed to be called and for what, I was moved away while enjoying the sight of my amazing girlfriend's swagger.

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Again, I apologise for the delay, but leaving a review may help with the next one! 


	11. The First Day

Disclaimers: Only the doctors and Jennifer are mine. Actually, the doctors aren't really mine as they are based off of people I know. But Jennifer is definately mine, completely from the inside out. Could it be... me? Maybe...

A/N: Well, as soon as I was done the last chapter I had inspiration for the next two or so chapters so I just had to go along with it. As I mentioned in my disclaimer, the character of Jennifer is based a lot on myself so if you don't like her, that's life. Can't get much more real that that...

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I finally returned home around five o'clock from my first day at the center. I was so glad to be home. I grab a soda from the refrigerator and make my way to the living room and kick my shoes off haphazardly before switching on the television to watch reruns of one of my favourite programs, Star Trek Voyager. I leaned back and took a nice sip of the cold liquid.

"Sara…"

"Shit, Sofia! I had no idea you were awake right now. Plus, you scared the crap out of me. Look at my shirt!" I shouted, half laughing, while gesturing towards the said item of clothing, now drenched in what was the majority of the soda can's former contents.

Sofia looked at me and burst out laughing as well. "Sorry I startled you. I managed to get Brass to approve a shift change for me so that I can be home in the evenings and nights with you so you don't have to be alone all of that time. No sense in us both being home alone while the other is out, is there?"

I couldn't believe how thoughtful a gesture that was and immediately thought of a way to repay her for her kindness. Taking one large step towards her I pulled her into a huge hug and a passionate kiss, but was all to quickly pushed away forcefully.

"Yuck!"

"I kiss you and you say 'yuck'?" I question feigning offense.

"You used my freshly dry cleaned blouse as a blotter for your shirt!"

"Well then, I guess we should go get cleaned up and changed. How about a shower?" I ask deviously before puling her in the direction of the bathroom.

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Two hours later we were back in the living room enjoying a light dinner of summertime pasta salad.

"So, are you going to tell me how your day went or will I need to bring you in for questioning?"

I arch an eyebrow in her direction. I'm not sure where to begin. "Well, I have two doctors there. Sorta. I guess one is not really a doctor but a social worker, but it's all the same. My psychiatrist is Dr. Frannie. Well, that's her first name, but her last name is so long and begins with an M or something so everyone just calls her Frannie. She seems really nice. My social worker is Marianne and she's really nice too. One thing that really struck me is how different everyone there, the patients I mean, are. I was assigned a buddy to help me get acclimated. She… she…" I couldn't continue at the moment. Just thinking about Jennifer makes me cry.

Sofia sees the tears forming in my eyes and pulls me into a comforting embrace. "If you don't feel like talking about it, I won't push you Sara. Remember, though, that sometimes it is easier to deal with these things if you talk about them. I know that I'm not a doctor, but I'm here with you right now. Remember my promise; I'm with you through everything".

What did I do to deserve such an amazing woman in my life? "It's just this girl, for some reason she really got to me. She was showing me around the unit and she explained that she was there inpatient. She had been there for four months already and didn't know when she would get out. She was so tiny. Just barely five feet tall I estimate. On top of that she probably weighed no more than sixty five pounds or something. She has to pull around an IV pole all day. She even gave it a name, Cesar, after Cesar Rodney, y'know, the guy from Delaware who signed the Declaration of Independence? It's a pole, get it? An IV pole, a metal rod, Rodney, Cesar… But she is so young. Not as young as I thought, but still, she's got so much of her life left and she's stuck here. One of the first things she said to me was that I looked like her, but older. It wasn't until later after talking to her that I realised that we are so similar in so many ways".

I pause and look up at Sofia. She is still listening intently to my babbling so I continue. "We were walking to the porch at the end of the hall for a cigarette break. When we get outside she asks if she can have one of mine because she left hers inside and couldn't go all the way back to get it. I remember asking her if was even legally allowed to smoke before I gave her one and she just looked at me. She said she would be twenty-four in a month. Damn, this girl didn't look a day over thirteen.

"I don't think I've ever met someone who could talk academics with me at that age the way she can. She wants to be a teacher. After she graduated high school she went to college off and on for a few years. She's going to teach high school math. When she told me that I looked over at her and all I could think was, _'I hope you get out of here and get yourself better so that you can reach your dreams'_.

"Jennifer used to be a dancer. She had to stop a while ago because she didn't have the physical ability to keep up with it anymore. She's got an album of years worth of photos that her father took during recitals and other performances. She played Clara Marie in the Nutcracker three years in a row with a professional dance company when she was in her teens.

"It's her mother, though, that made me so angry. This woman turned her beautiful, talented, and incredibly smart daughter into the broken young woman she is today. She was never there to support anything she did. Everything was a waste of time. All of her mother's time is spent with her younger sister. She didn't even visit on Jennifer's birthday. She told her father to say 'hi' for her while she and Jennifer's sister went to see a movie at the theatre".

By now I am crying so hard that I can't say anything more. The comfort of Sofia's arms helps, but I have a yearning for something more that I don't want to have. Somehow, she manages to pick up on it. "Sar, what's wrong? I know there is something you are not telling me, and I can feel that it is important, so spill".

"Fia, I can't handle this. I can't do this. What I want to do the very most right now is drink a bottle of vodka and watch rivers of blood flow from my skin. I need you to keep me safe right now. Help me".

"Sara, I will keep you safe. I won't let go of you until you are ready, even if it means sleeping here on the couch and getting an awful crick in my neck. I'm not going to let go of you. I promise".

I manage to muffle a small thank you while she shifts us into a more comfortable and relaxing position where I am laying on top of her with my head resting on her stomach. Again, I think to myself, _'What did I do to deserve such an amazing woman?"_

_

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_

Please R&R as usual!


	12. Back to the Lab

_Disclaimers: I don't own anything. I wish I did, but I don't. Oh well._

_A/N: There is absolutely no excuse for how long this has taken me, and there is also no excuse for the rediculous short chapter you are about to read. I'm going to finish this story at some point in the near future, I promise. I hope there are still people out there reading this..._

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For a moment I can convince myself that this is how it has always been, the perfect utopia of a perfect life with the one person you are meant to be with. If I close my eyes, I can see the two of us as we always used to be, as I know we can be again. I don't want to wake up from this position. Today I am going into work for a short shift. It has been three months off for me, and that is far too long. I can't wait to get myself back in there, but being here with the sleeping form of Sofia snuggled up to me makes be believe that work is not all that there is in life. Going back to work will mean facing the fact that the world is not a utopia, nor will it ever be. There is life, death, and everything in between, during which, just about anything can happen.

"Arggggh…" I look over to see the form of my love just waking up. I love to watch the way she stretches out like a cat. With that thought, at nearly the exact instant, Trina does the same thing. _Well, they do say that pet owner's are like their pets, don't they… _"Mmmm, good morning Sara. Are you sure you want to go back to work today?

"I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!" I chant while gesticulating wildly with my arms, having a near miss with Sofia's nose.

"OK, SpongeBob, I'll let you go back on one condition- stop shouting in my ear and get that shower running so it's nice and warm!"

I leap out of the bed to get to the bathroom. This is a day I am looking forward to. Mostly. I'm a little worried about how protective the guys may be. They tend to be like big brothers (and Catherine more like a mother) to me than is necessary. I know that they only have good intentions, but it does get annoying. I hope that I'm not stuck in the lab. That would just kick this "back to work" excitement into oblivion.

* * *

"Greg, Nick, you've got a double homicide near Lake Mead. You'll meet Brass there. Warrick, take the B&E on the Strip. Sara, you'll come with me to the Suspicious Circs in Henderson, Sofia's there already. We've got a lot to do tonight people, so get moving". At least I didn't get suck in the lab with paperwork is all I can say. Well, that and the fact that Sofia is on the scene that I will be working tonight.

Several hours of processing later we find out that it was simply a misunderstanding between neighbours about a garden hose and groundhog causing all of the trouble. I don't even understand it myself, but as long as it's not going to keep me up any longer, I'm good to go. My first shift back was exhausting for me. I had no idea that it would be so tiring to come back to work.

Walking back to the break room I break from my deep thoughts of fatigue when I notice that there is nobody, not a single soul, roaming the hallways of CSI. That is quite unusual for any time of day, especially for a time near shift change. As I turn the corner I enter the break room and it is clear to me where everyone is.

"Welcome back Sara!" I hear a chorus of welcome backs from everyone in CSI as well as a good bit of the Las Vegas police department. Everyone I work with is there, with the exception of Grissom, thankfully. Not that I expect that he will show his face here ever again, but it would have been a huge mood killer.

"Guys, wow. I'm speechless. You're the best". I was not really in the mood for a party, but I could tell that everyone had put a lot of work into it and I didn't want them to feel like it was for nothing.

"Sara, I made sure to make your favourite coffee, and here's a pack to take home with you so you can have it at home on a day off". Greg is always thinking of me. Since my first day here he has had a kind of puppy dog crush on me. It was annoying at first, but now it's just funny. He knows that Sofia and I are together, and he doesn't have a chance, but he never gives up trying just for the heck of it.

I am again brought out of my musings but this time by a far more enticing diversion. I'm turned around from behind and pulled into a passionate kiss by Sofia. "Fia, here? Are you sure?"

"Sara anywhere is good as long as I'm with you". At this remark, many variations of 'oohs' and 'ahs' come from the other guys who are attempting to embarrass us, or just entertain themselves. "I'm sorry we're doing this on your first day back. I know how tired you probably are but they wanted this and I just couldn't say no to them, especially not Greg, you know how excited he was about seeing you again at work"

"That's ok. I'll just stay long enough to make my appearance and then we can go home and relax. That sound good?"

"Very…" is all Sofia can manage before we are again locked in another passionate kiss, right in front of the entire grave yard shift.


	13. The Begining of the End

**I'm very sorry for the two year delay. My muse was completely absent. I knew the story didn't feel over but I couldn't figure out where to go with it. Last week, I had an idea. I've got the next few chapters working in my brain right now. Enjoy if you are still reading it!**

Sofia had finally won. After listening to Sara whine and complain about a sore tooth for two weeks, she had finally just dropped her off at the dentist. She sighed and wearily slumped down into a comfy arm chair at the coffee joint across the street from the dental office and was thoroughly enjoying a steamy hot cup of rich Colombian coffee. Their life together, as hard to believe as that was, was managing to get better and better every day. She was musing about the other day when they were having a picnic out by Lake Mead.

_The pair had gone swimming and then decided to bask in the sun for a while. Sofia had dozed off and Sara had thought it would be fun to try to bury her lover in the sand. However, that didn't go as planned. Sofia had woken up just a little too soon for Sara's liking and had used her "detecting skills," as Sara referred to them, to figure out what was being done to her. Without opening her eyes to alert Sara to her wakeful state, she braced herself and quickly sprang out of the sand tackling Sara back down to the ground beneath her. Smiling at the stunned look on her companion's face it took all of her willpower not to take her right there in public. Instead, she sprang up again and dumped an armful of sand on top of Sara. This has started an outright sand war which had lasted until the two realised, too late, that it was starting to rain. Fighting to pack up the picnic and run to the car they became drenched. Arriving home a while later, they tracked rain water and sand into Sofia's apartment, happier than they could imagine. Of course, they were still discovering sand in places of their bodies they'd rather not mention several days later…_

Sofia smiled as she thought but was rudely roused out of her reverie by the vibrations of her cell phone. Looking at the number, she thought it didn't look familiar. Grabbing her beverage, she walked around back to get some privacy. "Curtis." Nobody there. "Hello?" Still nothing. Sofia turned around to walk back into the coffee shop when she was grabbed from behind. Panicking, she tried to struggle. A man's voice sends chills down her spine.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Grissom. She quickly scanned her memory and remembered hearing a rumour that he had been released on a misdemeanor charge due to some kind of technicality. Shit. Sofia struggled again and felt cold metal pierce her neck.

"What the hell was that?"

"Shhh. Someone might hear you. Just relax." Relax? How could she do that? He let go of her. She thought this was strange. He was giving her a chance to beat him again? She took about half a step forward and started to stumble. He caught her in his arms. "It's just a mild paralytic. A scientist learns from his mistakes. This time I came prepared. Don't worry, it should wear off in about ten minutes or so. Just enough time." Scared, Sofia felt him carry her over behind a nearby dumpster. She could feel, smell, taste, hear, and experience everything. She had no way to fight back and she knew what was going to come next. She wanted to scream, but she couldn't. She wanted to close her eyes, or look away, but she couldn't. She was completely and utterly helpless and he could do whatever he wanted to her and he knew that she knew it. It awakened some sort of primal fear inside the detective.

She felt as he roughly first caressed her cheek and then kissed her hard on the lips. The prickly feeling of his beard against her face disgusted her. Demanding entrance for his tongue into her mouth was not difficult due to the drugs. She tasted the slimy saltiness of his mouth as he explored hers. Knowing he didn't have much time for foreplay of any sort, Grissom tugged at her pants and pulled them down slightly so he could be granted entrance into her. _This is how Sara felt. Helpless. Scared. _First his fingers explored her inner regions, all the while his lips locked onto her mouth. With a harsh thrust she felt him completely enter her. The pain was so bad she hoped she would black out, but fate was cruel today to say the least. Not soon enough, he had finished what he had come to do and left the once mighty detective in a heap behind a dumpster in a Las Vegas alleyway.

_Wait, _she thought. _He hasn't won. He underestimates us. Shit. Sara. I have to make this right. She can't know about this. But how do I do both?_

Fifteen minutes later Sofia had fully regained function of her body. She was sore, though, very sore. But, she had a plan. Her anger was the only thing keeping her from breaking down and crying. She stood up and looked around. Immediately, she put her idea into motion. She opened her phone and dialed the familiar number. "This is Detective Curtis. I need to call in a sexual assault. The victim is a white female, mid thirties. She didn't tell me her name. She fled the scene on foot. I was unable to pursue. Before fleeing, she reported that a white male, late forties, average height, curly hair and glasses drugged her and raped her. Please send officers and CSI to investigate." She then gave her location and waited.

Sofia had come up with the perfect cover story for why her hair, DNA, fingerprints, possibly blood (she didn't know) and whatever else they found of hers was at the scene. Everyone knew that she was a major klutz, and it was pretty believable that she went to try to pursue the victim and managed to trip over her feet and land on the ground. She had a scrape on her arm that could excuse any possible blood evidence. Satisfied with herself, she watched as her backup arrived.

Faking a limp over to her colleagues, she winced inwardly with the real pain. She greeted the day shift team of CSI's and explained how Sara was at the dentist nearby and had to be picked up but she would catch up with them back at the station.

On the way home in the car she was less than talkative. Fortunately, so was Sara, who had gotten two fillings in the same tooth and was contending with her own mouth pain. Neither feeling up for much more that evening, and seeing as they were both off that night, they enjoyed each other's quiet company, nursing their wounds, and then made their way off to bed.

One week later they were in the lounge and heard the good news. All of the evidence, including the syringe with the chemical restraint, and been found at the scene, and it all pointed to none other than Gil Grissom. The only missing piece is that they couldn't find evidence of the victim, but nobody was much concerned for some reason and it wasn't given another thought. He was arrested and sentenced to jail for life. Dr. Gilbert Grissom was out of their lives for good.

**Please R&R if you'd like.**


	14. Realisation

Sofia was sleeping soundly in the arms of her girlfriend Sara when she was rudely awakened by another uncomfortable stomach spasm. _Here we go again. I thought I had finally gotten over this _she thought as she stumbled her way to the bathroom and promptly emptied the undigested remains of her breakfast from that morning into the toilet. She groaned as she wiped the snot from her running nose with a piece of toilet paper and searched in the cabinet under the sink for the thermometer. Finding it she promptly took her temperature. It was a little high again. She resolved to call the doctor later when she and Sara woke up. Guessing from the light in the room she assumed it was around two or so in the afternoon. Sara had dragged her to the doctor a few weeks ago after her first run in with the flu. She had alarmed her by getting dehydrated and practically passing out standing up too quickly while getting out of the car at a crime scene. She was told to get rest and drink plenty of fluids and just ride it out. That's what she'd been doing. It kept getting better and then coming back and she just couldn't shake it and this was getting ridiculous.

Sighing, she opened the cabinet back up to put the thermometer away and something caught her eye. It was a tidy bright blue box tossed haphazardly into the back of the cabinet. The box contained her stash of tampons. Sara used something different, and they were laying on the floor behind the toilet for some reason. _Wow. I know I must be stressed. I haven't needed those in months. Oh well. It's happened before. Nothing to worry about. Besides, I did have some trauma a while… _The blood drained from Sofia's face and her heart was starting to race. She counted backwards in her head. One, two, three… Three missed periods. A little over three months since the incident. _Oh, god, no. This wasn't supposed to happen. It can't be happening. _It had to be a coincidence, right? Panic was setting in now. It didn't take long for her intelligent mind to make the leap. Sick. Vomiting, nausea… _Shut up Sofia, that's jumping to conclusions._ There's nothing else, right? _Think. Come on. _Sofia shook her head trying to clear out the confusion. Her mind was racing faster than she could make sense of it. She was starting to hyperventilate and was quickly losing control. She was tired. Really tired. About a month ago was when she realised it. She used to run several miles when she woke up and several miles when she got home most days to relieve stress and stay fit. She had been so tired though that she had given up the evening runs altogether and cut back on the morning times. She was so drained after a day at work that she simply came home, had something to eat, hung out with Sara, then went to bed usually long before she was joined by her partner. Then logically, that would be why she had recently put on some weight. She frowned. It was undeniably true, many of her pairs of work pants were getting rather tight and she had pulled out some really old clothes from years ago that were only slightly more comfortable as her older style was more of a t-shirt, sweat pants, and yoga pants type of style. Also, some of her tighter blouses were no longer comfortable in the chest. It makes sense, right? Cause and effect. Reduced exercise, thus… Unless the cause was really just an effect like the others… Her mind started spinning. Take all of the effects together and come to a conclusion. By now tears were streaming down Sofia's face uncontrolled. She couldn't ignore the truth anymore. Her sobs were interrupted abruptly by another pang of nausea and she again turned to the toilet. This time not caring about the snot she turned around and lay on the floor shaking uncontrollably. She managed to let out a small "Sara" and that was enough to wake the slumbering woman.

Alarmed that something was wrong Sara immediately got out of bed. Listening to the crying, she looked around and found Sofia lying shaking on the bathroom floor. The sight was not lost on her. Many months ago, this is similar to how she was found by the other woman while nearing death.

"Fia, can you get up?"

"No." She saw the shaking and assumed that she was cold. She ran and pulled the blanket off of their bed and grabbed a pillow to make Sofia more comfortable. After arranging the bedding around them, she lay down on the floor next to her. "Please, Sara, just hold me for a little while. I just need you here."

"Sure, baby. I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here. Shhh. Calm down. Everything's going to be ok." Sara knew that Sofia was sick again, but she had no idea why she was so upset. Maybe she had had a bad dream. "You can talk to me when you've calmed down and feel more comfortable." Together they lay there and just listened to each other's breathing.

Nearly an hour later Sofia realised she needed to tell Sara. She didn't know how. She gently woke up the again snoozing woman next to her. "Sara? Can we talk?"

Still groggy from sleep Sara replied to her. "Sure, hun, what do you want to talk about?" Sara stifled a yawn and waited patiently for longer than she thought she should for a simple reply.

_It's now or never. I can't just come out with it. I can't bring myself to say it. Maybe come at the idea from an angle? Maybe I can just try to give her enough clues and she'll figure it out herself? _Sofia took one more deep breath and tried to begin as casually as she could. Not surprisingly, her voice shook but she was calmer than she thought she would be. "Do you remember a long time ago how we chatted about kids and how we both like them?" She waited and didn't get a reply. Another deep breath and she continued with the next idea. "Have you ever thought about having kids?"

"Sure, who hasn't?" Through the fog of sleep she had absolutely no idea where this was going.

"Do you want us to have a baby, Sara?"

Confusing. "Fia, you're sick. It's the middle of the day. We're sleeping on the bathroom floor. This is hardly the time for this conversation, don't you think?"

Sofia was starting to panic again. "Please, just answer the question. I need to know."

Sara stifled another yawn. "Well, yeah, maybe someday." Sara still had no idea where this was going or why they were talking about it right now of all times.

"I was kind of thinking of sometime soon." Pause. Ok, just get this over with. "I was thinking about going for it now."

Sara was still totally oblivious to what Sofia was trying to tell her. "Hun, I'll think some about it. We can't make this decision over the span of one conversation, you know."

Breathe. "I should rephrase myself. I AM doing this now, with or without you. I don't think I can do it without you, I need you, but…" Sofia trailed off not knowing how to finish the reply. She was scared shitless about what was going to happen next. Her worries were not for nothing.

Suddenly Sara snapped into full alertness. She had finally understood what was going on. Her fast paced mind was putting the recent weeks into focus. She violently pulled the blanket off of Sofia and could hardly control her rage. "GET UP!" She screamed at the floor. No response. "I SAID, GET UP YOU CHEATING ASSHOLE!" Her mind was racing. She didn't get it. She just couldn't wrap her mind around this. When Sofia didn't get up fast enough she bent down and roughly pulled the pillow out from under her. Sofia looked up and straight into the black pits that were Sara's eyes. She could see barely controlled anger. She was afraid. For the first time in her life she almost believed there could be a murder gene. She scurried over to the corner by the bathtub and just cowered there.

Sara stared straight into Sofia's soul. "Are you still with him?" After a negative nod from Sofia she continued. "When? How long ago? Why? TALK TO ME DAMN IT! How could you do this to me? You promised you'd always be here for me. You helped me live my life and keep me alive. You are my everything. How could you cheat on me like this?" Sara started crying, her anger beginning to be taken over by something else. Remorse possibly. "You couldn't learn from my mistakes? You had to go after a man? Really? What the fuck Sofia! All that aside, have you even heard of a fucking condom?" Looking again at Sofia, Sara realised that her rage was more directed at herself. Sofia had given her _her_ life back and when her friend needed her the most, all she was doing was yelling at her. She took a deep breath but couldn't back off. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS!"

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP" She was immediately cut off by a screaming Sofia. She looked at her lover kneeling on the floor rocking back and forth with her hands over her ears hysterical. "JUST LISTEN TO ME, PLEASE!"

Sara stopped mid thought, stunned. It occurred to her that something else was going on here. Sofia continued. "Do you remember the day of the assault I was first on scene at back at the dentist?" Of course Sara remembered that. It was Grissom's last "ride" so to speak.

"You met someone after that? What the hell were you doing? Celebrating?"

"Sara" Sofia pleaded. "You don't get it…"

But then she did. The police report. How did she manage to be there at the right place at the right time? No victim to be found. All of the DNA evidence. It was only Grissom and Sofia. The victim's description. She was staring right at the victim. The sudden shock shook Sara to her core and she slammed down onto the floor next to Sofia and they grabbed each other and just held on to each other for their lives. Even from jail this scum was managing to butt into their lives. "Shit, Fia. I'm so sorry." Sorry just didn't seem good enough. Sara was so ashamed. "I don't…" The two of them just lay there broken, but they knew they at least had each other. "You've been living with this all by yourself for all this time?" The idea of how much pain her friend was in was unimaginable and she just made it all the worse. "When did you realise…" She looked questioningly into her girlfriend's eyes.

"Right before I called you in here. I couldn't tell you about the assault. I couldn't risk it. You were still so raw…" They lay there together on the floor for a while in silence.

"Will you be ok if I go call Catherine and tell her we won't be in tonight?"

"NO! Sara. Please. Don't tell her." The pleading in Sofia's eyes shattered Sara's heart.

"I promise, I won't. I'll tell her you're sick again and we need a night off. OK?" The weak nod she got in return was enough to let her go.

When she returned she pulled Sofia up and half carried half walked her back to bed. "Sara, I'm scared."

"I know, baby, I know. I'll be by your side the whole way. I promise."

After a silence, Sofia continued. "Sara? I don't want anyone to know how this happened. I've decided I'm going to go with your idea. It was a dumb one night stand after I got drunk celebrating the departure of you-know-who. I know you may not approve, but I would rather it be that way."

Sara nodded. She could practically smell the humiliation wafting off of her lover. The strong detective, broken by a mad man.

Another long silence. "Sara? Let's keep this our secret. The whole thing. Just us. Please?"

Sara almost let out a chuckle. "You know you won't be able to do that for long, right? I mean, it's going to become really obvious, and probably pretty soon." At that moment Sofia's palm self consciously rested on her abdomen and she knew Sara was right. She could already feel a difference. Barely perceptible to anyone else, for sure, but she, of course, knew it was there already. "Not to worry you further, though, but you do know you aren't going to be allowed at active crime scenes either. Even though you aren't telling anyone, I care about you, and I'm telling you. You have to request desk duty. I don't care why. Make up any reason you want, but please, please do it." Sofia pondered what she would tell Brass. Then she thought seriously about the fear of people finding out.

"When they figure it out I guess I won't be able to deny it. I just don't want to make a huge deal out of it yet. It's not real yet." _It will be soon. There's no way around that. _"Please hold me?"

With that, Sara moved over to Sofia and wrapped her arms protectively around her lover. After a short while she heard the breathing of the exhausted woman slow into the steady rhythm of sleep. She, on the other hand, found sleep the last thing on her mind. _This is the beginning of the next chapter of our lives._


End file.
